[426] in Humor
HUMOR: Quotes...
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Fri Aug 26 22:59:07 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Fri, 26 Aug 94 22:56:13 EDT
Date: Fri, 26 Aug 94 15:37:04 PDT
From: Connie_Kleinjans@Novell.COM (Connie Kleinjans)
From rocky@Cadence.COM Thu Aug 25 13:43:23 1994
>From GUEVARA@FSDVX2.ARC.NASA.GOV Thu Aug 25 13:24:08 1994
When is summer in Canada? Last year it was a Tuesday in July.
Canada has two seasons. Winter and Construction.
I used to be sane. I got better.
It's not whether you win or lose. It's whether *I* win or lose.
I am Shakespeare of Borg. Prepare to be, or not to be.
Borg-Cola: Not the choice of the next generation.
Borg Starter Kit: some assimilation required.
For reply, send self-abused stomped antelope to: brea9430@mach1.wlu.ca
Make money fast: don't give it any food.
On the other hand... you have different fingers.
A true friend sees you make a fool of yourself and knows it's not permanent.
Bull behind a tapestry: you can't see the taurus for the frieze.
Every pool you can think of swimming in has been pissed in at least once.
Actual newspaper headline: "Deafmute complains 911 didn't answer"
Actual newspaper headline: "TEENAGE PROSTITUTES SPREADING NATIONWIDE"
Yes, I get funny looks. I like funny looks.
If morons could fly, the sky would be pitch black.
A smile is a curve that can set a whole lot of things straight.
Hey Santa, how much is it for the list of naughty girls?
My used underwear is legal tender in 28 countries and counting.
Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
"Artist seeks Boss with vision impairment."
"Beam me aboard, Scotty!" "Will a 2X4 do, Captain?"
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A good pun is its own reword.
A belly button is for salt when you eat celery in bed.
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act them out.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A good hot dog feeds the hand that bites it.
Ability is a good thing but stability is even better.
Actual newspaper headline, 1/17/77: "Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures"
Actual newspaper headline, 8/14/80: "Food Basic to Student Diet"
Actual TorStar headline, 3/6/94: "Man charged with murder after death"
Air is water with holes in it.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
All I ask is to prove that money can't make me happy.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
Amoebit: Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same time.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
Any man who can see through women is sure missing a lot.
Are dog biscuits made from collie flour?
Bachelor: A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
Canada: 51 weeks winter, one week hockeyless summer.
Cats took many thousands of years to domesticate humans.
Choconiverous: Biting off the head of the chocolate Easter bunny first.
Cinemuck: Popcorn, soda, and candy that covers the floors of movie theaters.
Circle: A line that meets its other end without ending.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
Consider what might be fertilizing the greener grass across the fence.
Death is the one experience that we cannot put in perspective afterwards.
Death and taxes are inevitable; at least death doesn't get worse every year.
Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Diplomacy: Saying "go to hell" such that they look forward to the trip.
Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell?
Don't undertake vast projects with half-vast ideas.
Don't laugh. It could happen.
Don't use no double negatives, not never.
Don't you hate it when life doesn't follow the manuals?
Don't eat the yellow snow.
Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
Elbonics: Two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
Electricity comes from electrons; morality comes from morons.
Eleven tons of hair stolen. Police combing area.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Everything in moderation, including moderation.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
Fossil flowers come from the Petrified Florist.
Genderplex: Trying to determine from the cutesy pictures which restroom to use.
Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
Heating with wood, you get warm twice: Once chopping it, and once stacking it.
HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! -- E. E. CUMMINGS
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. -- Ray Bandy
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has that keeps it from betting on people.
Hospitality: Making your guests feel at home, even though you wish they were.
How many weeks are there in a light year?
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.
I do a lot of thinking in the john. Says a lot for my thoughts.
I would like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I will always love the false image I had of you.
If you are horny, it's lust, but if your partner's horny, it's affection.
If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles.
It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
Life is like an analogy.
Maintain thy airspeed, lest the ground rise up and smite thee.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Most of us hate to see a poor loser. Rich winners, though, are worse.
Mr. Bullfrog sez: Time is fun when you're having flies.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
My mail reader can beat up your mail reader.
Nobody can be just like me. Even I have trouble.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
This sentence contradicts itself: no, wait, actually it doesn't.
While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.
Why don't "minimalists" find a shorter name for themselves?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
