[4154] in Humor
[Humor] Tips for Yankees Moving South
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Jonathon Weiss)
Mon May 10 15:35:53 2004
Message-Id: <200405101935.i4AJZFfU002788@the-other-woman.mit.edu>
From: Jonathon Weiss <jweiss@mit.edu>
To: humor@mit.edu
Date: Mon, 10 May 2004 15:35:14 -0400
Errors-To: humor-bounces@mit.edu
------- Forwarded Message
Tips for Yankees Moving South
Tips for Yankees Moving South
* People walk slower here.
* Be advised: the "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
* Get used the hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
* The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer
proper.
* Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't
understand you either.
* The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait
until November.
* Remember: "Ya'll" is singular. "All ya'll" is plural. "All
y'all's" is plural possessive.
* Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more
Yankees than Southerners living there.
* Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same
store. Do not buy food at the movie store.
* If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as
"Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.
* Just because you can drive on the snow and ice does not mean we
can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
* There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern
accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
* Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their
car's windshield the comes from yelling at other drivers.
* If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay
our of his way. There are likely the last words he will ever say.
* Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed how to use
it. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking,
let alone eating.
* In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and
Honor". You will also hear expressions such as, "Laud, have
mercy", "Good laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".
* Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those
who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a
southern license plate, you may be rest assured that it was on
when the car was purchased.
* If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the
cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain
will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out the
their way. This is what they live for.
* As you are cursing the person driving 15mph in a 55mph zone,
directly in the middle of the road, remember many folks learned to
drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the
proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
* If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the
most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at
the local grocery store. It does not matter if need anything from
the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
* The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted
Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "Big ol'
truck" or "Big ol' boy". 85% begin their new southern influenced
dialect with this expression. 100% are in denial about it.
* Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase
one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This
is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more
than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
* Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in
common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a
trailer.
* You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already
know the position of key hills, trees, and rocks, you're better
off trying to find it yourself.
Posted by slinkie at May 10, 2004 08:26 AM
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