[3889] in Humor
Re: a short military history of France
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Rhett Creighton)
Wed Feb 12 01:08:56 2003
Date: Wed, 12 Feb 2003 01:14:36 -0500 (EST)
From: Rhett Creighton <rhett@MIT.EDU>
To: Matthew Weed <weed@galaxy.med.yale.edu>
cc: humor@mit.edu
In-Reply-To: <Pine.OSF.4.30.0302112355580.24198-100000@galaxy.med.yale.edu>
Message-ID: <Pine.LNX.4.44.0302120113590.12149-100000@sub-zero.mit.edu>
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The pentagon just ordered 77,000 bodybags for the U.S. You think this is
humor?
On Tue, 11 Feb 2003, Matthew Weed wrote:
> What more need be said?
>
> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
> So the French still aren't on board with us spanking Iraq. Oh boo hoo.
> Let's take a look at the mighty French military prowess, shall we?
>
> Gaellic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years
> of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
>
> Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who
> inadvertently creates The First Rule of French
> Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
>
> Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose
> two wars when fighting Italians. Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4
> against the Huguenots
>
> Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to
> get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other
> participants started ignoring her.
>
> War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
> chapeaux.
>
> The Dutch War - Tied
>
> War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War Lost,
> but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the
> world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
>
> War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their
> first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
>
> American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future
> Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far
> more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the
> Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of
> the fighting."
>
> French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also
> French.
>
> The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
> Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a
> British footwear designer.
>
> The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat
> boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
>
> World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United
> States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep
> with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread
> use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French
> bloodline.
>
> World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and
> Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
>
> War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the
> Dien Bien Flu.
>
> Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by
> a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule
> of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical
> to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch,
> Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
>
> War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders
> to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese
> ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
>
>
> The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not
> be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France
> surrenders?"
>
>
>
> R. J. Martin
>
>
>
