[3803] in Humor
FW: Belgians Lead Push for Regime Change in America
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Me)
Tue Nov 5 20:44:21 2002
Message-Id: <4.3.2.7.2.20021105201524.02c469c8@po14.mit.edu>
Date: Tue, 05 Nov 2002 20:17:13 -0400
To: humor@mit.edu
From: Me <jerrod@alum.mit.edu>
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>
> Belgians Lead Push for Regime Change in America
>
> September 24, 2002
> By Phil Lebovits
>
> Spurred by reports of an aggressive military build-up and failure to
> reign in corporate terrorists, the government of Belgium is
> pressing for
> a preemptive strike against the regime of George W. Bush. "We cannot
> sit idly by and eat our delicious chocolates while the United States
> government engages in a policy of harassment," Belgian Prime Minister
> Guy Verhofstadt said in a nationally-televised address to the Belgian
> people. "Now is the time for action. We cannot waffle."
>
> Recent reports from Belgian intelligence sources indicate that the
> United States is now in possession of weapons of mass destruction -
> chemical, biological and nuclear. "We know that the United States has
> nuclear weapons and that they have actually used them in the past,"
> intoned the Prime Minister." There is no reason to think they will not
> use them in the future."
>
> Verhofstadt is insisting that United Nations weapon
> inspectors be given
> "unfettered access to the massive stockpiles" of weapons, and
> that they
> be destroyed immediately.
>
> "We stand at the crossroads," pleaded Verhofstadt. "Either the United
> States agrees to our demands, or we will be forced to put down our
> delicious chocolates and lead the way for permanent regime change.
> Remember, my dear Walloons, the current clique in Washington was
> elected in direct contravention of the will of the American people.
> Regime change will be welcomed by their citizens."
>
> Reaction to the speech throughout Europe was swift. "We stand with our
> Belgian brothers," offered French President Jacques Chirac. "France is
> willing to commit thirty-five troops and many cases of fine champagne
> to the cause. We cannot stand on the sidelines enjoying our delicious
> baguettes while our comrades from Antwerp go it alone. Let me
> assure the dear Prime Minister. France is with you, almost."
>
> Russian President Vladimir Putin did not mince any words. "Again, it
> is the powerful Belgians who must lead the world against
> aggression and
> American hegemony. Russia stands with her European allies and insists
> that the United States disarm unilaterally. I only wish we too had
> delicious foods."
>
> Following the speech, the mood at the White House was one of defiance.
> "Let the Belgians make their empty threats," said White House
> spokesman Ari Fleischer. "We are urging Hershey's and Mars and other
> fine American
> chocolate makers to increase their yummy output by two-hundred percent
> in the coming weeks. We intend to break up the evil-doing Belgian
> chocolate cartel once and for all."
>
> Vice President Dick Cheney was even more bellicose. Speaking directly
> underneath Karl Rove from an undisclosed underground bunker, the Vice
> President warned of dire consequences should Belgium make a preemptive
> strike.
>
> "We are prepared to strike back with alarming force," said Cheney. "The
> Belgians cannot bully us. They may be the world's only superpower, but
> we here in America have God on our side. To hell with their delicious
> chocolate treats."
>
> Verhofstadt, while unyielding in tone and substance, did offer the
> Americans a plausible way out. "I call upon George W. Bush to capture
> Sheik Kenneth Lay, Imam Dennis Kozlowski, and the entire Worldcom
> terrorist organization, and to hand them over to an international
> tribunal. The United States can no longer harbor agents of terrorism.
> You are either with us or against us."
>
> Back in Washington, the Joint Chiefs of Staff and National Security
> Advisor Condaleeza Rice were trying eagerly to persuade President Bush
> that there was indeed a country named Belgium.
/----------------------------------------------------------\
/ Jerrod Wiesman | A knight born too late, \
| jerrod@alum.mit.edu | to a world without dragons |
| \_|_/ |
\ IM:DiagontiTheFiery | http://www.jerrod.net/jerrod/ /
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