[3693] in Humor
How to dump a man...
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Lorraine Meyer)
Fri Jul 19 19:58:31 2002
Message-Id: <5.0.2.1.2.20020719193621.00a14ec0@hesiod>
Date: Fri, 19 Jul 2002 19:57:53 -0400
To: humor@mit.edu
From: Lorraine Meyer <lmeyer@MIT.EDU>
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>HOW TO DUMP A MAN
>
>Dear ________:
>
>I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
>contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was
>exceedingly
>tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also
>failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file
>should an
>opening become available. So that you may find better success in your
>future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following
>reason(s) you
>were disqualified from the competition.
>
>(Check all that apply... )
>
>___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it,
>hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
>
>___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can
>picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
>
>___The fact that our dining experiences to date have left MY wallet a
>little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
>
>___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload"
>indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my
>personality.
>
>___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about
>yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
>
>___Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO much time on your
>hands!
>
>___Your legs are skinnier than mine.
>
>___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten
>up repeatedly at recess.
>
>___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying
>to kiss you.
>
>___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
>
>___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent
>slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
>
>___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
>
>___You still live with your parents.
>
>___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek
>uniforms a little disconcerting.
>
>___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect
>that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
>
>___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking
>in a long-term partner.
>
>___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should
>however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your
>application.
>
>___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were
>really necessary for a successful business trip.
>
>___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.
>
>Sincerely,
>
>________________________________
