[3671] in Humor
D&D humor
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (gif)
Fri May 24 11:20:06 2002
Message-Id: <200205241518.LAA20769@no-knife.mit.edu>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
cc: kenclary@MIT.EDU
Date: Fri, 24 May 2002 11:18:57 -0400
From: gif <gif@MIT.EDU>
Good for anyone who's ever role played.
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Below is a collection of silliness from the Third Edition of Dungeons
& Dragons. Courtesy of oakthorne@livejournal.com
"This always works in the movies"
The MM says that staking a vampire kills them, but there are no
called shot rules and undead aren't subject to coup-de-grace. So
you can't actually stake them.
"We don't need thumbs here in the Abyss"
By the MM errata, all outsiders with an Int of 6 or higher are
proficient with all martial weapons. This includes Hellhounds,
Howlers, and Nightmares, among other quadrapeds.
"You backwoods Dwarves still dig, what ever for?"
Wall of Iron produces real iron as an instant spell (so it can't be
dispelled and is non-magical) and by the price guidelines on PHB
96 & 114 and the Avaibility guidelines on DMG 137, you can hire a
wizard to cast a spell that produces roughly 1800 gp worth of iron
for only 500 gp in any small town or larger settlement. And yet iron
mining supposedly exists in the game world.
"Like, you know, like that.. an stuff... anat, right?"
Simulacrum produces a creature that has among other traits 51-
60% of the "speech" of the original. Does that mean that it leaves
random words out of ... or do it just use small words when talk?
"All the commoners round here always die off at the same time
every year"
The extreme heat/extreme cold rules render much of the real world
uninhabitable as everyone in Fairbanks in winter or Phoenix in
summer takes enough subdual damage to render them
unconscious in just a few hours.
"But I'm as strong as Heracles, made my save, and was carrying a
Spade of Digging.."
Regardless of size, strength, tools on hand or reflex save result,
anyone caught in the bury zone of an avalance is pinned and must
wait to be rescued rather than being able to dig there own way out.
"So that's what those pointy bits do..."
The 20th level Expert Trapmaker with Search, Profession:
Trapmaker, Craft: Trapmaking, Knowledge: Famous Traps and
Knowledge: Magical Traps all at 23, cannot attempt to find a trap if
the Search DC is over 20, but the 1st level rogue with none of those
skills can.
"I know he fled into the woods, but first, we'll check at the inn"
A Successful Wilderness lore role to Track lets you track
somebody for up to 1 mile indoors, and in fact you get to retry
more frequently indoors than outdoors.
"................................ouch."
Since according to PHB 121, free actions can only be performed
while taking another action, and since you can only take an action
on your initiative, and since by Table 8-4 on PHB 128, "Speak" is a
free action: By a strict reading of the rules, you must wait until your
next action to cry out in pain after being hit in combat.
"Wall of Orca"
Running away from someone? Need to block a passage? Well,
have we got a solution for you! Summon monster V allows you to
summon a celestial orca.
The critter has (on average) 85 hit points and it can thrash around
and attack anyone trying to get through. Much better than a wall of
stone. And, since it just goes back to its home plane when it
"dies," you don't really have to feel all that bad.
"I'm not exactly feeling myself today, and neither am I"
A small spellcaster with a tiny familiar can use Polymorph Self to
turn back into himself. And he can use Share Spells to have his
familiar also turn back into "himself" at the same time. There aren't
many spells that specifically allow you to break the normal
constraints English grammar has on reflexive pronouns.
"Wow, I didn't realize dragons beer-goggled that heavily"
The various "half-" templates can be applied to any corporeal
creature (Alignment permitting). This includes oozes, plants and
even constructs.
"I never Meta-magic I didn't like."
Silent Power Word, Kill. Still Burning Hands. How?
"Transmute Rock to Stone"
Type elemental provides immunity only to poisons, sleep, paralysis,
stunning and critical hits. So it is still possible for a Gorgon,
Medusa, Cockatrice or Basilisk to petrify an Earth Elemental.
"Trees; you can chop 'em down, but you can't change 'em with
magic"
As per MM 6, plants are immune to polymorphing. Presumably this
includes Polymorph any Object, even though the spell description
uses "vegetable" as a classifier.
"So much dropping a GP off the Empire State building"
An arrow fired from a bow or flung via Telekinesis deals 1d6 or more
damage, yet the same arrow dropped from a great height can never
deal any damage, since it weighs less than one pound (DMG 89,
column 2)
"Azathoth's Gibbering Explained??"
Deities are capable of casting Contact Other Plane to converse with
themselves - but they "resent such intrusion" and even have a flat
percentage chance of lying to themselves.
"All things are not equal..."
50ft of chain = 10lbs. 50ft of hemp rope = 10 lbs.
"Mad cat!"
A house cat, accoring to the MM, can deal 3 damage with two
claws and a bite. (Minimum damage is 1 HP for an attack.) And a
peasant has 1d4 HP. So don't tick off kitty!
"It's Big, It's Heavy, It's Wood!"
Since a club costs 0 gp, a Limited Wish spell can create an infinite
number of clubs, causing the plane to collapse into a black hole.
"Why yes, I did bring weapons for the entire army"
Since the sling has both cost 0 and weight 0, and you can
generally find ordinary stones for free, there is no mechanical
reason not to carry a few million around in case you need to arm a
peasant uprising.
"Dagger, Greatclub it's about the same"
The MM errata failed to amend the Tarrasque's Swallow Whole
ability to mention the usual stipulation that you can only cut your
way out with a "light slashing or piercing weapon"
"If the horses ever catch on, we're in trouble"
A whip cannot even deal subdual damage to any creature with a +3
or better natural armor bonus. This includes all horses, which
makes you wonder about coachmen and the use of riding crops.
"It's all in the trunk"
Dire Elephants, as described in MotW, have a +23 skill bonus to
Climb, and are listed as having speed 40 ft., Climb 10.
"It's Not So Good Up Close When They're Standing Still"
Although it ignores armor (as it normally requires only a ranged
touch attack to hit), and is specifically noted as creating a
"magical arrow", Melf's Acid Arrow cannot be used to perform a
Coup de Grace against an adjacent foe in the manner a normal
bow can (PHB 133). For that matter, neither can a sling, although a
hand crossbow works just fine.
"Never trust a used weapon salesman"
Despite the really cool part about the ability not allowing a saving
throw, that's just clever advertising intended to distract you from the
fact that the complete destruction effect of a Mace of Smiting only
functions when you deal a critical hit to a construct - which are not
subject to the effects of critical hits. And watch out for those vorpal
weapons too, they have to be fabricated using a spell that doesn't
exist in 3rd edition.
"Butter-fingered Balors"
Balor's vorpal sword is only a +1 weapon... This means that it's
almost entirely useless vs most other demons and devils. Why
don't they simply get a +5 keen or defending weapon? Is that so
that they don't accidently cut themselves?
"He's just faking it..."
Despite being blind, Grimlocks have a Spot check of +3.
"Class-ical Blunders"
Apprentice-level paladins have lay on hands as a class ability, but
have an effective level of 0.
Wizards, druids, and monks do not have Unarmed Strike as a
weapon proficiency and the druid loses all abilities for 24 hours if
she tries to punch someone, or if she Wild Shapes into an animal
and bites them.
A Cleric with the Water Domain can turn Fire Creatures like a
normal cleric turns Undead. So Clerics with the Water Domain can
turn Red Dragons. In fact, the only dragons that cannot be turned
are white, the weakest of all colors.
"In the eye of the beholder"
Hill Giants are described as "oddly simian", who "seldom wash"
and carry "filthy, and stinky" possesions. Cloud Giants are
"handsome" and "well-defined" who wear "the finest clothing
available." Hill Giants have a charisma of 17; Cloud Giants have a
13.
"Forget stone, build my castle out of dwarves!"
The disintegrate spell cast on an object will destroy 10 cubic feet of
matter, no saving throw allowed. The same spell will only affect one
dwarf, who the caster must hit first with a touch attack roll, and still
gets a saving throw.
Kaleidoscope : Take A Walk On The Wild Side of RPGs!
*Alpha Version Available at www.fantasylibrary.com for free!*
Brought to you by : joeteller@mindspring.com
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