[366] in Humor
HUMOR: ST:The Lost Episode
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Wed Jul 20 13:34:46 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Wed, 20 Jul 94 13:26:43 EDT
From many sources. Sorry if this was sent already...
-Drew
Date: Wed, 20 Jul 94 13:15:55
From: levi@MIT.EDU (Carolyn Levi)
From: Don@djjones.mit.edu
Subject: Lost Startrek Episode (Humor from DOJ MS "settlement")
"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript.
Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at
finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been
able to access their command pathways?"
Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching
through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing
technology."
Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.
Riker looks puzzled:
"What the hell is a 'Microsoft'?"
Data turns to answer:
"Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason
called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside
their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources
at an unstoppable rate."
Picard:
"But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their
processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
Data: "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new
version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources
increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be
able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing
ability will be taken over and none will be available for their
normal operational functions."
Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable
geometric shape' idea."
... 15 Minutes Later ...
Data: "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the
command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all
resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the
expected 'upgrade'."
Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU
capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an
'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is
something we missed."
Data: "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the
'upgrade'.
Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by
not sending in their registration cards.
Riker: "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin
emergency
escape sequence 3F ..."
Geordi, excited:
"Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly
dropped to 0%!"
Picard: "Data, what do your scanners show?"
Data: "Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module
named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
Picard: "Lets wait and see how long this 'Solitaire' can reduce their
functionality."
... Two Hours Pass ...
Riker: "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"
Geordi: "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate
for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they
successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep
space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from
something called the 'Microsoft Fun-Pack'.
Picard: "How much time will that buy us?"
Data: "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest
time span of 6 more hours."
Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
Picard: "Identify."
Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft'
logo!"
Over the speakers:
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY.
WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS
SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU
HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY."
Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and
released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!"
Riker: "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward
the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they
survive deep space?!"
Data: "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look
closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something
recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather
briefcases, and wearing Armani suits!"
Riker and Picard together horrified:
"Lawyers!!"
Geordi: "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling
into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
Data: "True, but apparently some must have survived."
Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with
pieces of paper."
Data: "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape' --
it often proves fatal."
Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"
Picard: "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the
Borg deserve that."
--- 2 hours later in the breifing room ---
Picard: "Where did we go wrong to cause such a hideous catastophe?"
Data:: "Sir, our archives on late Twentieth-century computing
technology indicate there was once a challenger to 'Windows'
on earth code named 'Borg'. Later known as 'OS/2 for Windows'.
Riker: "God, you mean this Admiral Gates thought the Borg were his
ancient
competitors?"
Picard: "It would appear so." But whatever happened to this 'OS/2'"?
Geordi: "I believe I can help here Captain. 'OS/2' had many of the
features
of our 25th century computers but this Admiral Gates
successfully
gained unusual power from the Government through something
called a
consent decree. With it, and a brainwashing technique called
"Marketing", he destroyed OS/2 and another competitor called
"Macintosh".
Picard: "He did this without weapons?"
Data: "Not quite Captain, he had an early pre-cursor to our phasors,
something called "Vaporware". And there is no known defense
against this weapon.
Riker: "Captain, if you'll excuse me I'm feeling ill."
Picard: "Yes, Will, I think we're all feeling ill. But this incident
must serve to warn us and the entire Federation how dangerous
it is to awaken this Admiral Gates and his monster 'Windows'.
Geordi, prepare an emergency report to Starfleet command."
Briefing adjourned."
--- Riker vomits ---
