[363] in Humor
HUMOR: WEIRDNUZ.333 (News of the Weird, June 24, 1994)
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Mon Jul 18 16:11:51 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 18 Jul 94 15:59:30 EDT
Date: Mon, 18 Jul 1994 11:23:21 -0600 (MDT)
From: Espacionaute Spiff domine! <MATOSSIAN%ARIES@VAXF.Colorado.EDU>
From: dave-barry@marble.com (Keith Bostic)
WEIRDNUZ.333 (News of the Weird, June 24, 1994)
by Chuck Shepherd
Lead Story
* In June, the Phoenix, Ariz., New Times published an unidentified man's
detailed list of pros and cons about his two girlfriends, Brenda and
Dominique, that had been accidentally discarded in a magazine pocket on
an Air Reno flight and which the newspaper obtained. Despite Brenda's
"Wealthy" and "Nice Cars" versus Dominique's "Chipping teeth" and "Cuts
me down," Dominique appeared to have the upper hand on list, which was
scrawled out on bookkeeping ledger sheets. Dominique had 18 pros and
11 cons, versus Brenda's 15 and 22, respectively, and "I love her"
appeared #3 under Dominique but only #15 under Brenda. Besides,
Brenda's #9 con is "She's Married." ("Brenda" and "Dominique" are
pseudonyms supplied by New Times.) [New Times, 6-1-94]
The Democratic Process
* In Eddyville, Ky., in May, the sample ballot required by law to be
printed in the daily newspapers before the election showed one line
already filled in--an "X" next to the name of J. R. Gray, one of five
candidates for a state House seat. J. R. Gray is the cousin of David
Gray, the county clerk, who told a reporter, "How it happened would be
just pure speculation." David Gray agreed to pay for a second printing
without the "X." [Louisville Courier-Journal, 5-24-94]
* Among recent voter decisions: Friendsville, Md., mayor Spencer
Schlosnagle was returned to office in February though he had been
convicted a week before of indecent exposure and had four other such
charges pending. Hialeah, Fla., voters elected Raul Martinez in
November, though he was awaiting sentencing on federal extortion
charges. In 1971, Hialeah also voted in as mayor a recently-convicted
felon. And Baldwin, Ga., voters returned ex-mayor Tommy Lee Barrett to
office in November; in a 1991 plea bargain to theft and forgery charges,
he was forced to resign and to promise never to run for mayor again.
[Baltimore Sun, 4-10-94] [USA Today, 11-11-93] [Greenville, S. C.,
News-AP, 11-7-93]
* Recent candidates for office included: Leslie Elaine Perez, 56, the
leading vote-getter in the March primary to head the Texas Democratic
Party organization in Houston, is a convicted murderer whose death
penalty was stayed at the last minute in 1963 and who ultimately was
paroled in 1971. (Perez is the former Leslie Douglas Ashley, having
switched genders shortly after being released.) And ex-state Sen.
George Hohman, 61, who still owes $9,000 of the $20,000 fine he was
assessed on a 1981 bribery conviction, said he was running again for
the Alaska senate because it was the only way he knew to get enough
money to pay off the fine. [Washington Times-AP, 4-10-94] [USA Today,
3-11-94, 5-25-94]
* Among the losing candidates in November in the Raleigh, N. C., mayor's
race was an African-American, the former Cecil McGirt, 45, who changed
his name in 1981 to Doctor O. B. Aal-Anubiaimhotepokorohamz. That is
a shortened form of the much longer name he chose after extensively
researching his family history, a project he undertook after he realized
he was foolish to believe he was Irish. His wife and each of their six
children also have the first name Doctor, as a message of support for
educational achievement. [Raleigh News & Observer, 8-6-93]
* In May, a surveillance camera revealed Florida state Rep. Carlos
Valdes as the man scribbling on the walls of a condominium complex in
Miami with a black marker, and who is suspected of being the one
responsible for several other episodes of graffiti vandalism. Said
Valdes, "I can only characterize my actions as embarrassing and
unacceptable." [St. Petersburg Times-AP, 5-26-94]
* Brazil endured a scandal in February over the appearance of a topless
model (who had donned a short minidress for the occasion) in the
president's box along a parade route during the country's annual
Carnival. President Itamar Franco, 63, held hands with Lilian Ramos,
27, occasionally kissed her, and, according to a surreptitious audiotape
made in the box, asked her out on a date. Photos of the couple showed
clearly that Ramos, frequently raising her arms to wave to the parade,
was not wearing underpants. Responding to the subsequent criticism,
Franco told reporters, "How am I supposed to know if people are wearing
underwear?" [New York Times, 2-27-94]
Cliches Come to Life
* On May 23 shortly after 2 p.m. in Pomona, Calif., Tamika Johnson, 19,
was issued a jaywalking ticket for making a dangerous street crossing
in front of a county building. Minutes later, after the officer left,
Johnson tried the crossing again, was hit by a car, and suffered a
broken leg. [Inland Valley Daily Bulletin, 5-24-94]
* Alfred, Maine, police chief Richard Griffin agreed in May to pay a
$250 fine and restitution to settle charges that he punched Louis
DeAngelis over who was next in line at a doughnut shop. [USA Today,
5-13-94]
* In April in New Orleans, a fleeing bank robber fired several shots at
a police officer but hit a nearby 38-year-old nun from the Sisters
Servants of Mary Convent. The nun's wound was slight because the bullet
first passed through the prayer book she was carrying. [Boston Globe,
4-24-94]
* Christopher Swihart, 20, was arrested in Berkeley, Calif., in August,
after breaking into a house and taking a suitcase. Swihart told police
he didn't know where he was, that he thought the suitcase was his, and
that the last thing he remembered doing was attending a Grateful Dead
concert the night before. [Daily Californian, 9-1-93]
* Raleigh, N. C., bankruptcy lawyer Mark Kirby was indicted on federal
fraud charges in December. According to a prosecutor, while Kirby was
working for the Brown, Kirby & Bunch law firm in 1990 and 1991, he
billed clients an average of nearly 1,200 hours a month--from a low of
851 hours to a high of 1,547. (A 31-day month has only 744 hours.)
[[American Lawyer, Apr94]]
Most Dysfunctional Family
* In December, in Oxnard, Calif., Dale Chester, 22, was sentenced to
three years in prison for raping the pregnant girlfriend of his brother
Ruben. Dale's brothers Leonard, 32, and Samuel, 29, are serving long
prison terms for the violent rapes of five women in separate incidents,
and Ruben, 24, is serving time for robbery and assault. Their father
is a local pastor and their mother a Christian missionary, and police
and prosecutors say there is no evidence of the childhood abuse that
typically portends such adult violence. [San Francisco Examiner-Los
Angeles Daily News, 12-26-93]
Copyright 1994, Universal Press Syndicate. All rights
reserved. Released for the personal use of readers.
No commercial use may be made of the material or of the
name News of the Weird.
