[347] in Humor
[jerry@pecos.cecm.sfu.ca: Forwarded mail... (fwd)]
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (gsstark@MIT.EDU)
Mon Jul 11 21:27:58 1994
From: gsstark@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 11 Jul 1994 21:23:32 -0400
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Just in case you start your own software company, this goes with
the product :-).
> Subject: FW: R.T.F.M!
> Date: Fri, 01 Jul 94 14:57:00 PDT
>
> -------------------------------------------------------
>
> Subject: Manual Page
> ............................................................................
>
>
>
>
> READ THIS FIRST
> ===============
>
> Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would
> give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you will
> undoubtedly destroy it via some typically bonehead consumer manuever.
> Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL
> CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T
> YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH
> THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH
> SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT TO "FAST FORWARD", THIS
> CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK
> THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
>
> We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always
> getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consumer
> inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days. So, in writing these
> instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with
> dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK? Now let's talk about:
>
> 1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE. The device is encased in foam to protect it from
> the Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing
> boxes. PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S
> ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE
> SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES. Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is
> her only proof of engagement, and her fiance, Stuart, is now seriously
> considering backing out on the whole thing inasmuch as he had consumed most
> of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the
> question. It is not without irony that Ida Mae's last name is "Barker", if
> you get our drift.
>
> WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE
> PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS. If you
> attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single
> peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by
> Joseph Stalin after he enslaved Eastern Europe.
>
> Besides the device, the box should contain:
>
> * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
>
> * A little plastic packet containing four 5/27 inch pilfer grommets and
> two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
>
> YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.
>
> IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
> spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that
> can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a
> major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why."
>
> WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
>
> 2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE: The plug on this device represents the latest
> thinking of the electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a
> continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical
> current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug,
> then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device is
> equiped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small
> Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate. DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN! Lay it
> gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean
> it weekly with a damp handkerchief.
>
> WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP
> OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORE AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS
> THIS COULD VOID THE WARANTY.
>
> 3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE. WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE
> DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE
> MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY
> PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT
> DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
>
> INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that:
> NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery. Next Taking
> the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If
> this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintainence action,
> as a kindly (something) viewpoint from Drawing B.
>
> 4. WARRANTY: Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not
> excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied against
> all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and
> Thursday
> afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the Manufacturer will, ay no
> charge to the Owner, send the device to our Service People, who will emerge
> from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil
> spirits.
>
> This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.
>
> WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER
> HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
>
>
>
>
> ............................................................................
> ...
> ..
>
--
o | Jerry Kuch jerry@cecm.sfu.ca |
_ |-----------------------------------------------------------------|
= | "Be careful with your skiing... people get killed you know." |
o o | -- David Ford |
