[3429] in Humor
Nutrition Advice
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew Bennett)
Fri Mar 30 11:39:33 2001
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Date: Fri, 30 Mar 2001 11:37:10 -0500
From: Andrew Bennett <abennett@irobot.com>
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Author unknown to me...
Obviously this advice should be taken with a shot of vegetables. <g>
Exercise Is Not All Its Cracked Up To Be.
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.
Everything
wears out eventually.Speeding up your heart will not make you live
longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by
driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more
than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your
system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of
field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you
100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables.
As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three
categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer
and wine are not animal,and they are not on the periodic table of
elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a
burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is
one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the
bench press. What did he mean?
A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows
air up your shorts. It's an accepted
practice at health clubs; though if you find that it becomes the
ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to reevaluate
your exercise program.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is "No Pain--No
Pain!"
