[3380] in Humor
HUMOR: BUSH BLASTS CLAUS RECOUNT
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Charles E Leiserson Jr)
Mon Dec 11 22:18:43 2000
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Date: Mon, 11 Dec 2000 22:18:34 -0500
From: Charles E Leiserson Jr <locutus@MIT.EDU>
AUSTIN, Tx (Dec. 4) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit
in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list
and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction
against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his
traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one
additional time before packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a
federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive
and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as
submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary
modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's
totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check?
This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now,"
said former Secretary James Baker.
Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing
all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them under 'naughty'
instead because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats."
Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted
what he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole."
"Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just
walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or
nothing."
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to
St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and
quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They
demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already
selected a name for the pony she's asked for.
The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with
plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The
"Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave Friday.
"We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.
Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but a Spokes-elf said he was
"deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him.
"He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho' for days," said the
spokes-elf. "He's just not feeling jolly."
A weary nation can relate.
Be seeing you,
- Ricky
