[3280] in Humor
HUMOR: Computer Airlines
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Jonathan Reed)
Tue Aug 8 20:38:39 2000
Date: Tue, 08 Aug 2000 20:41:21 -0400
To: humor@mit.edu
From: Jonathan Reed <jdreed@MIT.EDU>
What would happen if software companies decided to branch into the airline
business?....
(Sorry about the formatting - the text isn't mine)
MS-DOS Airline
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let
the plane coast until it hits the ground again, then they
push again jump on again, and so on.
Mac Airline
All the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket
agents look the same, act the same, and talk the same.
Every time you ask questions about details, you are told you don't need to
know, don't want to know, and would you please
return to your seat and watch the movie.
OS/2 Airline
To board the plane, you have your ticket stamped ten different times by
standing in ten different lines. Then you fill our a form
showing where you want to sit and whether the plane should look and feel
like an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you
succeed in getting on the plane and the plane succeeds in taking off the
ground, you have a wonderful trip...except for the time
when the rudder and flaps get frozen in position, in which case you will
just have time to say your prayers and get in crash
position.
Windows 95 Airline
The airport terminal is nice and colorful, with friendly stewards and
stewardesses, and easy access to the plane. After the plane
arrives, 6 months late, you have a completely uneventful takeoff... then,
once in the air the plane blows up without any warning
whatsoever.
Windows NT Airline
All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the
chairs in the outline of a plane.They all sit down, flap their
arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.
Unix Airline
Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to the
airport.They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly
about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it
together.Eventually, they build several different aircraft, but give
them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their
destinations.All passengers believe they got there.
Mach Airline
There is no airplane. The passengers gather and shout for an airplane, then
wait and wait and wait and wait. A bunch of people
come, each carrying one piece of the plane with them. These people all go
out on the runway and put the plane together piece
by piece, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they're building. The
plane finally takes off, leaving the passengers on the
ground waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. After the plane lands,
the pilot telephones the passengers at the departing
airport to inform them that they have arrived.
Newton Airline
After buying your ticket 18 months in advance, you finally get to board the
plane. Upon boarding the plane you are asked your
name. After 46 times, the crew member recognizes your name and then you are
allowed to take your seat. As you are getting
ready to take your seat, the steward announces that you have to repeat the
boarding process because they are out of room and
need to recount to make sure they can take more passengers.
VMS Airline
The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of technicians
check the flight systems on this immense, luxury
aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000
passengers. All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the
necessary complement of 200 technicians.The pilot takes his place up in the
glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realise
that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors.
