[3222] in Humor
FWD: Company policies
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Michael Khusid)
Tue May 30 12:13:11 2000
From: "Michael Khusid" <misha37@hotmail.com>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 30 May 2000 11:55:44 EDT
Perfect for the day back from a long weekend. Ugh. -K
NEW COMPANY POLICIES:
SICKNESS: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee you need
all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you
intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you
can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made
to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is
enough to keep the job going in your absence.
YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at
least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.
REST ROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In
the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For
instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to
8:10,employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so
on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until
the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees
may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing
must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time
limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound,
the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our
employees better understand their paychecks:
Gross pay $1,222.02
Income tax $ 244.40
Outgo tax $ 45.21
State tax $ 11.61
Interstate tax $ 61.10
County tax $ 6.11
City tax $ 12.22
Rural tax $ 4.44
Back tax $ 1.11
Front tax $ 1.16
Side tax $ 1.61
Up tax $ 2.22
Down tax $ 1.11
Tic-Tacs $ 1.98
Thumbtacks $ 3.93
Carpet tacks $ 0.98
Stadium tax $ 0.69
Flat tax $ 8.32
Surtax $ 3.46
Corporate tax $ 2.60
Parking fee $ 5.00
F.I.C.A. $ 81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund $ 9.95
Life insurance $ 5.85
Health insurance $ 16.23
Dental insurance $ 4.50
Mental insurance $ 4.33
Reassurance $ 0.11
Disability $ 2.50
Ability $ 0.25
Liability $ 3.41
Unreliability $ 10.99
Coffee $ 6.85
Coffee Cups $ 66.51
Floor rental $ 16.85
Chair rental $ 0.32
Desk rental $ 4.32
Union dues $ 5.85
Union don'ts $ 3.77
Cash advance $ 0.69
Cash retreats $ 121.35
Overtime $ 1.26
Undertime $ 54.83
Eastern time $ 9.00
Central time $ 8.00
Mountain time $ 7.00
Pacific time $ 6.00
Time Out $ 12.21
Oxygen $ 10.02
Water $ 16.54
Heat $ 51.42
Cool air $ 26.83
Hot air $ 20.00
Miscellaneous $ 113.29
Sundry $ 12.09
Various $ 8.01
Net Take Home Pay $ 0.02
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed
elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
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