[3126] in Humor
Necromantic Humor
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Brian T Sniffen)
Thu Mar 9 16:52:33 2000
To: humor@MIT.EDU
From: Brian T Sniffen <brians@MIT.EDU>
Date: 09 Mar 2000 16:44:52 -0500
Today on Martha Stewart's Necromancy, we'll be comparing zombies and
skeletons: Which is better? Plus, we'll have a special segment on how
to get rid of the odor of decaying flesh.
First up, we'll examine the household use of zombies and animated
skeletons. Zombies are the traditional staple undead servant,
considering their bodies are in at least moderate shape within the
first year of death. However, brawn isn't everything when it come to
household chores.
Zombies are almost useless for household cleaning. In addition to
being sluggish workers, grave dirt and rotting flesh defeats the
purpose of cleaning, and the flies they bring with them are a real
nuisance. By the same token, they make unsanitary cooks, and the ones
which have had time to dry, such as mummies, run the risk of catching
fire if they are to close to the stove.
What I have found to work best is to keep the zombies working in the
garden. The smell blends with that of the compost heap, and their
rotting remains help act as fertilizer. The vigorous work of gardening
and farming also helps them work the rotting flesh off so they become
the more useful skeletons, and the local birds will keep busy picking
maggots of the zombie, rather than the seeds in your garden.
I consider skeletons to be the true workhorse of necromancy. Most
corpses of ten years or more will rise as skeletons that simply need
to be hosed off, then polished till they are pearly white. I recommend
a good scrubbing with soap to get the residual flesh and grave dirt
off, then a rinse and scrub with bleach to get those whites their
whitest. If you can manage it, lamination will save a great deal of
cleaning time, especially if they get near the fireplace.
I commonly use my skeletons for most household chores. Their speed
makes them ideal for dusting and vacuuming, which requires little
strength. They also make superior waiters, coat-clerks, and cooks. A
skeleton looks quite dashing in a tuxedo, and engraving upon the bone
add a great deal of character. A little water-based paint can give
them a festive air as well: a little orange and black and it has a
pumpkin head, and kids love painting Easter-skulls.
Skeletons are also more convenient than zombies in that they take up
less room. You can simply fld them down into a medium size box for
moving or storage. Please, however, do not keep them in your
closet. They take up valuable closet space, and the cliches it creates
will prove to be a sour note at any get-together. If you keep dogs as
pets, I recommend teaching the dog as a pup not to chew bones.
For those of you who have been struggling with removing zombie-stink
from your car or home, I reccomend gently rubbing the contact area
with water, sprinkling it with baking soad, and wiping it clean. If it
is in a car, or any area that receives a lot of heat, it is best to
take it to a professional.
Please join us next time, when our topics include-
- Ghostly servants or email: Which is more convenient?
- Vampires: Are they sucking you dry?
- The local community: Friends and neighbors, or corpse supply?
Thanks, and please tune in next time.
