[309] in Humor
HUMOR: Dave - Test Your Science IQ
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Tue Jun 7 13:51:00 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 7 Jun 94 13:48:03 -0400
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Cc:
Test Your Science IQ
by Dave Barry
> What is your "Science IQ"? To find out, take this
>multiple-choice quiz:
> 1. Tides are caused by:
> (a) Gravity leaking out of the moon.
> (b) Clams burping in unison.
> (c) Sen. Howell Heflin.
> 2. What is magnetism?
> (a) Invisible rays that shoot out of a compass.
> (b) The force that causes dogs to bark when you ring the
> doorbell.
> (c) The molecular attraction that forms between
> refrigerators and little ceramic vegetables.
> 3. The Earth rotates:
> (a) Around the cosine.
> (b) At night.
> (c) In a direction away from Cleveland.
> XXX
> ANSWERS: The correct scientific answer to all three
>questions is: "d. No Opinion."
> If you did poorly on this quiz, do not feel bad: When it
>comes to scientific knowledge, a great many Americans are every
>bit as stupid as you are. This was the conclusion of a recent
>nationwide survey reported in The New York Times (motto: "All The
>News Blah Blah Blah"), which showed that Americans had the same
>basic level of scientific literacy as road salt.
> This does not surprise me. I constantly see evidence that
>Americans do not understand basic scientific principles. For
>example, the great mathematician and dead person Sir Isaac Newton
>(who also invented gravity) proved in 1583 that, no matter how
>hard you push, you cannot fit an object into an airplane overhead
>storage compartment if the object is way bigger than the
>compartment. Americans still do not understand this. I am writing
>these words on a flight from Miami to San Francisco, a flight that
>I frankly thought was never going to leave the gate because the
>aisle seemed to be permanently blocked by a man and a woman who --
>after taking approximately 15 minutes to figure out that row 19
>was the one between row 18 and row 20 -- attempted to stow a
>wicker basket that, to judge from its size and weight, contained
>an elk. I can personally vouch for the weight, because at one
>point in their struggle the couple (this is true) dropped the
>basket on my head, after which they glared at me. I think they
>thought I was trying to harm their elk.
> These Americans would definitely benefit from better
>science training, similar to what I received in Mrs. West's
>eighth-grade science class at Harold C. Crittenden Junior High
>School in Armonk, N.Y. I vividly remember Mrs. West standing at
>the blackboard, drawing a diagram to illustrate the electron,
>which is a tiny particle of electricity found in extension cords,
>while the entire class stared with rapt attention at Tom Parker,
>who was listening to a concealed earphone attached to a transistor
>radio tuned to a critical World Series game between the Yankees
>and the Pirates. Mrs. West, diagraming away, would tell us an
>important fact about electrons, such as that they mate for life,
>and Tom would signal that, say, Bobby Richardson had singled, and
>the classroom would erupt with muffled cheers, and Mrs. West would
>turn around, startled, thinking, whoa, these young people are INTO
>electricity.
> Tragically, many Americans did not receive this caliber of
>science training, which is why they did so poorly in the survey.
>According to the Times story, one of the questions that most
>people answered incorrectly was:
> "Which of these is the nearest living relative of the
>dinosaur, Tyrannosaurus rex? (a) A chicken; (b) A crocodile; (c) A
>lizard; (d) An elephant."
>The correct answer, of course, is: Sen. Howell Heflin.
>No, seriously, the correct answer, according to The New
>York Times, is: A chicken. I'm serious. Your immediate reaction to
>this is: "Wait a minute. The giant, fearsome creature that ate a
>car AND a lawyer in 'Jurassic Park' is related to a CHICKEN?',
> Yes. By studying the bones of dinosaurs that, fortunately,
>died in a standing position at the American Museum of Natural
>History, scientists have been able to determine that Tyrannosaurus
>rex used to stride through the prehistoric jungle, its massive
>weight causing the Earth to tremble with each step, until it
>located its prey; and then, with a horrifying roar audible for
>miles ("COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOOO"), it would lunge downward and
>administer the awesome Peck of Death to a kernel of prehistoric
>corn weighing upwards of 3,000 pounds.
> But the point is that we need to improve our scientific
>literacy, and the place to start is with our young people. I think
>we should have a program wherein our top scientific minds go into
>the public schools and lecture to the students, and if the
>students fool around, our top scientific minds should whack them
>on the head with slide rules.
> Speaking of which, I want to stress that my mental
>faculties were in no way affected by the elk-basket blow to my
>head head head head head hey look there are BIG spiders on the
>airplane wing.
>
>(C) 1994 THE MIAMI HERALD
>DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.
