[3044] in Humor
Fwd: union activity
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Luke Douglas)
Thu Dec 23 21:10:13 1999
Date: Thu, 23 Dec 1999 21:07:35 -0500
To: humor@MIT.EDU
From: Luke Douglas <darkwing@MIT.EDU>
(Geographic note: this is from a friend in Tampa...)
> To Whom It May Concern:
>
> I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no
> longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve.
> Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my
> contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves
> Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana,
> Illinois, Wisconsin, and Michigan. As part of the new and better
> contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep
> that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in
> good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third
> cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South
> Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys
> and girls; however, there will be a few differences in appearance
> and service. Differences such as:
>
> 1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from
> Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker
> that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
>
> 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children
> leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] by the fireplace.
> And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though,
> so please have an empty spit can handy.
>
> 3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon
> dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a
> couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks
> Bubba's fireplace.
>
> 4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..."
> when Bubba Claus departs. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt,
> on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on
> Elliott and Petty."
>
> 5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"
>
> 6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does
> have Yosemite Sam mud flaps on the back with the words "Back
> Off" clearly visible. The last heard it also had other
> decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is a Ford or Chevy
> logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a
> caricature of me (Santa Claus) taking a leak on the Tooth Fairy.
>
> 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th
> Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your
> negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves
> Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds
> as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each
> other.
>
> 8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure
> you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over
> to put presents under the tree.
>
> 9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me
> like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa
> Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will
> be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Song titles
> include Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T.
> Judd's "All IWant for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and
> Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove
> It."
>
> Sincerely Yours,
> Santa Claus
> (member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
