[3042] in Humor
HUMOR: 1999 Darwin Awards
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Sharalee M. Field)
Tue Dec 21 15:48:29 1999
Date: Tue, 21 Dec 1999 15:45:55 -0500
To: humor@MIT.EDU, mowu@MIT.EDU, "MEGallagh@aol.com" <MEGallagh@aol.com>,
kris@speechcode.com, jbran18610@aol.com, dunbar@MIT.EDU, dahv@MIT.EDU,
mtsai@bqa.com, immer@MIT.EDU, tlawlor@palmerdodge.com,
bmendell@mediaone.net, nkahn@gph.com, GDeVoe@rimco.com,
celia_kent@harvard.edu,
Maryellen Fitzgibbon <mfitzgib@fas.harvard.edu>,
cjwells@fas.harvard.edu,
Cheryl Guarino Buccelli <c_buccelli@harvard.edu>,
leite@fas.harvard.edu, Courtney Nichols <crnichol@fas.harvard.edu>,
wthtx@aol.com, Jay M Phillips <jay_phillips@harvard.edu>
From: "Sharalee M. Field" <sharalee_field@harvard.edu>
>From: "Gingras, Jack (GEAE)" <jack.gingras@ae.ge.com>
>Subject: FW: 1999 Darwin Awards
>Date: Tue, 21 Dec 1999 07:33:30 -0500
>X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.5.2650.21)
>
>
>> THE 1999 DARWIN AWARDS
>>
>> Yes, the long wait is over.
>> The 1999 Darwin Awards are officially here.
>>
>> For those sheltered few of you who are not fully aware of
>> the Darwin Awards; these awards are given annually (and
>> posthumously) to those individuals who did the most for the
>> human gene pool by removing themselves from it.
>>
>> -------==========**********O**********==========---------
>>
>> GRAVITY KILLS
>> A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he
>> tried to use 'occy' straps (the stretchy little ropes with
>> hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad
>> trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A.
>> Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps
>> together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other
>> end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, then jumped...
>> and hit the pavement!
>>
>> Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators
>> think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby.
>> "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater
>> than the distance between the trestle and the ground,"
>> Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was
>> "major trauma."
>>
>> An autopsy was scheduled for later in the week.
>>
>> -------==========**********O**********==========----------------
>>
>> LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY
>> Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the upcoming Fourth
>> of July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks.
>> Their only real problem was that their launch pad and seating
>> arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel
>> distillation storage tank.
>>
>> Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball
>> seen for miles.
>>
>> They were launched several hundred feet into the air and were
>> found dead 250 yards from their respective seats.
>>
>> -------==========**********O**********==========---------
>>
>> DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT
>> A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas
>> when a lightning storm hit the lake. Most of the other boats
>> immediately headed for the shore, but not our friend the
>> lawyer. On the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his
>> buddies, this individual stood up, spread his arms wide
>> (crucifixion style) and shouted:
>> "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!"
>>
>> Needless to say, God delivered. The other two passengers on
>> the boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns.
>>
>> -------==========**********O**********==========---------
>>
>> CATCH
>> A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you
>> may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate.
>> It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake.
>> You can guess what happened from here. The friend (a future
>> Darwin Awards candidate) was hospitalized.
>>
>> -------==========**********O**********==========---------
>>
>> THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU
>> Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he
>> qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from
>> Korea who was killed by his cell phone ...
>> more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking"
>> when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his
>> neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and
>> dial at the same time.
>>
>> -------==========**********O**********==========---------
>>
>> GIMME A LIGHT
>> In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse
>> noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the
>> building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition-lights,
>> power, etc.
>>
>> After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the
>> gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they
>> found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their
>> frustration, none of the lights worked.
>>
>> Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians
>> reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled
>> a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas
>> in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles
>> away.
>>
>> Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was
>> virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was
>> suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as
>> "bright" by his peers.
>>
>> -------==========**********O**********==========---------
>>
>> RUNNER UP
>> A Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult
>> position yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African
>> Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg,
>> Russia, Mr. Demuth went overboard to show them one of America's
>> many marvels. He demonstrated the effectiveness of "Crazy
>> Glue"... the hard way.
>>
>> Apparently, Mr. Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the
>> adhesive was, so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the
>> palms of his hands, and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of
>> a passing rhino. The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past
>> thirteen years, was not initially startled as it has been part
>> of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby.
>>
>> However, once it became aware of its being involuntarily stuck
>> to Mr. Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the petting area
>> wildly making Mr. Demuth an unintended passenger.
>>
>> "Sally [the rhino] hasn't been feeling well lately. She had
>> been very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some
>> depressants to relax her bowels, when Mr. Demuth played his
>> juvenile prank," said James Douglass, caretaker. During Sally's
>> tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a
>> number of small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede,
>> three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death.
>>
>> As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers' to
>> remove his hands from her buttocks. First, the animal had to be
>> captured and calmed down. However, during this process the
>> laxatives began to take hold and Mr. Demuth was repeatedly
>> showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea. "It was
>> tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield
>> our faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could
>> say that Mr. Demuth was into it up to his neck. Once she was
>> under control, we had three people with shovels working to keep
>> an air passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were able to tranquilize
>> her and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her rear," said
>> Douglass. "I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a
>> while."
>>
>> Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were
>> impressed with the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy
>> some for my children, but of course they can't take it to the
>> zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.
>
>>
>
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sharalee M. Field, Planning Analyst
Faculty of Arts and Sciences Planning Office
Harvard University
Ph: 617.495.8257 Fax: 617.495.7881
