[3031] in Humor
An engineer's version of Twas the Night Before Christmas
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Brian T Sniffen)
Wed Dec 8 05:40:35 1999
To: humor@MIT.EDU
From: Brian T Sniffen <brians@MIT.EDU>
Date: 08 Dec 1999 05:33:34 -0500
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual
yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic
activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential,
including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus
musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of
the wood-burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory
pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric
philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific
title of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual
hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically
through their cerebra. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our
nocturnal cranial coverings, were about to take slumbrous advantage of
the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the
grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt
compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the
purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing the
fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without,
reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline aqueous
precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian
itself -- thus permitting my incredulous optical sensor to peruse a
miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by an octet of diminutive
specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a miniscule, aged
chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to
me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his undulate motive
power traveling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous
velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly,
expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each
of the octet by his or her respective cognomen ... "Now Dasher, now
Dancer..." et al.-guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our
abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the
concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was
performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved --
with utmost celerity and via a downward leap-entry by way of the smoke
passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebon
residue from the oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had
accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I
attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he
bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his
submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging
amiability. The capillaries of his molar regions and nasal aptenance
were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the
former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the
latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and
supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and
their ambient hirsuite facial adornment appeared like small, tabular
and columnar crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smokingpiece whose gray
fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of
a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it
was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal
region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a
hemispherical container.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the
aforementioned hosiery with articles of merchandise extracted from his
aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon
completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a
single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ,
inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and
forthwith affected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke
passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his
conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted
oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to
soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the
seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting
exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the
limits of visibility: "Ecstatic yuletides to the planetary
constituence, and to that self-same assemblage my sincerest wishes for
a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between
sunset and dawn."
