[2936] in Humor
FW: funnies
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Jennifer Ann Cooper)
Wed Sep 15 08:30:50 1999
Date: Wed, 15 Sep 1999 08:29:58 -0400
From: jyc@obl.bidmc.harvard.edu (Jennifer Ann Cooper)
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Some funnies to think about
"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the
video camera and come help me."
--Bob Goldthwait
"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout.
That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my
sister's house and ask her for money."
--Kevin Meaney
"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget."
--Michael McShane
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat
pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is
that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
--Jon Stewart
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I
said,'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'
--Paula Poundstone
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock
every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there
picking the locks, they are always locking three."
--Elayne Boosler
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet
soup?"
--John Mendoza
"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a
second."
--Steven Wright
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before
they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and
they would only play with each other."
--Rita Rudner
"Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit.
That's why you should never date a baseball player."
--Marsha Warfield
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to
use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may
be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We
aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners."
--Jeff Stilson
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans
is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three
best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
--Rita Mae Brown
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else."
--Lily Tomlin
"You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over?? Movie Day."
--Jay Mohr
"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new
boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."
--Christopher Case
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all
over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid
of the body before you do the wash."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad
dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing."
--Bob Saget
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and
Gomorrah an apology."
--Jay Leno
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me
was, You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope
not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' "
--Larry Miller
"I have such poor vision I can date anybody."
--Garry Shandling
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more
specific."
--Lily Tomlin
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through
my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow
learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators
would be dead."
--Johnny Carson
"If God dropped acid, would he see people?"
--Steven Wright
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
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