[2886] in Humor
DARWINS
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Gerald Britton)
Thu Aug 5 19:02:33 1999
Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1999 19:01:19 -0400
From: Gerald Britton <gbritton@vanu.com>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
The 1999 Darwin Awards...enjoy...
Mike
<< The true high point of the e-mail year has arrived. Yes, it is the 1999
>Darwin Awards. For those sheltered few of you who are not fully aware
>of the Darwin Awards; these awards are given annually (and
>posthumously) to those individuals who did the most for the human gene
>pool by removing themselves from it.
>
>
> GRAVITY KILLS
>
>A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use
>'occy' straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to
>bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County
>police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these
>straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end
>to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped... and hit the pavement.
>Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia
>was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that
>he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and
>the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was
>"major trauma." An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.
>
>
> LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY
>
>Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the upcoming Fourth of July
>holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their only
>real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were
>atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank.
> Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for
>miles. They were launched several hundred feet into the air and were
>found dead 250 yards from their respective seats.
>
>
> DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT
>
>A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a
>lightning storm hit the lake. Most of the other boats immediately headed
>for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer. Alone on the rear of his
>aluminium bass boat with his buddies, this individual stood up, spread
>his arms wide (crucifixion style) and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME
>HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God delivered. The other two passengers on
>the boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns.
>
> CATCH!
>
>A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but
>there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a
>friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what
>happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate) was
>hospitalized.
>
>
> THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU
>
>Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies
>nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by
>his cell phone... more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and
>talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his
>neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at
>the same time.
>
>
> GIMME A LIGHT!
>
>In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the
>smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing
>all potential sources of ignition-lights, power, etc. After the building
>had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were
>dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty
>navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights
>worked. Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians
>reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a
>lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the
>warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing
>was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by
>the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the
>explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.
>
>
> RUNNER UP..
>
>A Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position
>yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a
>group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Mr. Demuth went
>overboard to show them one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated
>the effectiveness of "Crazy Glue"... the hard way. Apparently, Mr.
>Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was, so he put
>about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and jokingly
>placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, a resident of
>the zoo for the past thirteen years, was not initially startled as it
>has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby.
>However, once it became aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Mr.
>Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the petting area wildly making
>Mr. Demuth an unintended passenger. "Sally [the rhino] hasn't been
>feeling well lately. She had been very constipated. We had just given
>her a laxative and some depressants to relax her bowels, when Mr.Demuth
>played his juvenile prank," said James Douglass, caretaker. During
>Sally's tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a
>number of small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three pygmy
>goats and one duck were stomped to death. As for Demuth, it took a team
>of medics and zoo caretakers' to remove his hands from her buttocks.
>First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down. However, during
>this process the laxatives began to take hold and Mr. Demuth was
>repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea. "It was
>tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield our
>faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say that
>Mr.Demuth was into it up to his neck. Once she was under control, we had
>three people with shovels working to keep an air passage open for Mr.
>Demuth. We were able to tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove
>his hands from her rear," said Douglass. "I don't think he'll be
>playing with Crazy Glue for a while." Meanwhile, the Russians, while
>obviously amused, also were impressed with the power of the adhesive.
>"I'm going to buy some for my children, but of course they can't take it
to
>the
>zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.
>
>
> CLEANER POLISHES OFF PATIENTS
>
>"For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a patient dead
>in the same bed every Friday morning" a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi
>Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters. "There was no
>apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the air
> conditioning system, and a search for possible bacterial infection,
>failed to reveal any clues." "However, further inquiries have now
>revealed the cause of these deaths... "It seems that every Friday
>morning a cleaning lady would enter the ward, remove the plug that
>powered the patient's life support system, plug her floor polisher into
>the vacant socket, then go about her business. When she had finished
>her chores, she would plug the life support machine back in and leave,
>unaware that the patient was now dead. She could not, after all, hear
>the screams and eventual death rattle over the whirring of her
>polisher". "We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner
>in question. Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department is
>arranging for an electrician to fit an extra socket, so there should be
>no repetition of this incident. The inquiry is now closed." (CapeTimes).
>
>
> DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP:
>
>
> #1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to
>remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a
>'pineapple'. A 'pineapple' is an illegal firecracker which is the
>explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the
>fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some
>10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion
>shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr.
>Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby
>hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by
>the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to
>bee venom, and died of suffocation en-route to the hospital.
>
>
> #2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with
>third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E.
>Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian
>roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional
>revolver) to Ken's head and fired.
>
>
> #3 - PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to
>death on a sequinned pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer
>at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the
>dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk."
>
>
> #5 - MOSCOW, Russia - A drunk security man asked a colleague at the
>Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bullet-proof vest to see if
>it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the
>25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians
>getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.)
>
>
> #6 - In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he
>decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied
>a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large
>rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried
>to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol.
>The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him.
>Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden
>dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was
>dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a
>hospital, where he died of hypothermia.
>
>
> #7 - RENTON, WASHINGTON, USA. A Renton, Washington man tried to commit
>a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the
>fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his
>terminally stupid choices as listed below:
>
> 1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms...a gun shop.
>
> 2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial
> portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns
> in public places.
>
> 3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol
> car parked at the front door.
>
> 4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having
> coffee before reporting to duty.
>Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and
>fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire,
>removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their
>guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.
>
>
>AND THE 1999 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS..... THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA.
>
>Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed
>early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He
>was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications
>feed-horn. Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last
>year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya
>Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a
>safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in
>order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told coworkers
>that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift
>at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero.
>Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way
>that they heat food in microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker
>reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which
>he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker
>had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned that
>night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance
>calling traffic. Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman,
>John Burns, who was greeted by an odour he mistook for a Christmas roast
>he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported
>to NMSR company officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded.
>>
----- End forwarded message -----
