[288] in Humor
HUMOR: WEIRDNUZ.326 (News of the Weird, May 6, 1994)
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Tue May 24 15:57:11 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 24 May 94 15:53:29 EDT
Date: Tue, 24 May 1994 16:42:13 -0600
From: Espacionaute Spiff domine! <matossian@aries.colorado.edu>
From: dave-barry@marble.com (Keith Bostic)
WEIRDNUZ.326 (News of the Weird, May 6, 1994)
by Chuck Shepherd
Lead Story
* In April, an AIDS activist organization in Madras, India, made a
public plea that eunuchs convening for their annual festival near the
city later in the month use condoms during their wild celebration.
Many, but fewer than half, of the country's 400,000 eunuchs retain their
penises, and Community Action Network estimated that 10,000 sex acts
would take place at the close of the 15-day gathering. An AIDS activist
said that because most eunuchs were recruited by force, they are "angry"
and show little sexual restraint. [London (Ontario) Free Press-Southam
News, 4-12-94]
The Litigious Society
* In February, New Mexico state patrolman Norman Martinez filed a
lawsuit against a Santa Fe bar and its bouncer for injuries he suffered
during an off-duty fight. Martinez is asking additional compensation
for his broken nose because he can no longer properly sniff for alcohol
on the breath of drivers. [Albuquerque Journal, 2-18-94]
* Frances Bobnar of Adamsburg, Pa., filed a lawsuit against the
Pennsylvania Lottery Commission in March, claiming that she and family
members have spent over $150,000 on lottery tickets during the last ten
years but have never won. [Philadelphia Inquirer-AP, 3-23-94]
* In November Tom Stafford of Mission Viejo, Calif., won $8,500 in a
lawsuit against a local golf course. He hit an errant shot that
ricocheted off a steel pole and smacked him in the forehead. [Globe &
Mail, 11-12-93]
* In February, Bernadette French, 36, won $1.1 million in a lawsuit
against the Wilmington (Del.) Hospital. French, who suffers from manic
depression, gouged her eyes out and then claimed the hospital staff was
negligent in allowing that to happen. [USA Today, 2-28-94]
* In March in Louisville, Ky., former paralegal Merrell Williams, 52,
added a claim to his disability lawsuit against his former law firm,
Wyatt Tarrant & Combs. Though he admitted that a 29-year smoking habit
contributed to his heart problems, he also claimed that in the course
of working for the firm's tobacco clients, he was "horrified" to learn
about complicity between tobacco companies to suppress data on the
dangers of smoking and that he suffered stress knowing he had to keep
such information secret. [Louisville Courier-Journal, 3-11-94]
* In January, Emmerson Phillips filed a claim against his employer, the
Metropolitan Toronto Housing Authority, after he was turned down for
sick leave. Phillips informed his employer that his daughter was
getting married the following Sunday, that he intended to get roaring
drunk at the reception and would probably have a hangover, and that he
thus would be taking sick leave on Monday. The employer refused to
grant the sick leave, but a local arbitration panel ruled in his favor.
[Northwest Florida Daily News-AP, 1-27-94]
* In September, Bob Jones of Berkshire, England, filed a claim for about
$1,200 with his insurance company for a loss he suffered during a power
blackout. The body of his parrot, Polly, which was recently killed by
Jones's dog, had been kept in the family freezer for posterity, but
during the blackout, Polly thawed and decomposed. [Edmonton Journal,
9-9-93]
Names from Hell
* In a July story on odd names in England, the Wall Street Journal
reported on the plight of a women's scholarly organization in the town
of Ugley. Said spokesperson Irene Camp, "We try to call ourselves the
Women's Institute of Ugley, but it never sticks." [Wall Street Journal,
7-21-93]
* In November, there was a malfunction in the new telephone system in
the public library in Edmonton, Alberta, which ordinarily would permit
a machine to dial up a customer and announce by synthesized voice that
requested materials were ready to be picked up. The system, which is
referred to by its acronym, is the Electronic Library Voice Information
System. [Edmonton Journal, 11-7-93]
* Among recent names in the news: operator of a suicide hotline in
Amsterdam--Jan Hilarius; Ph.D. candidate in demography at the
University of California, Berkeley--Long Wang; New Orleans writer--Quo
Vadis Gexbreaux; co-creator of a just-released map of the Georgetown
section of Washington, D. C.--Outerbridge Horsey; Mansfield, La.,
jailer recently suspended after being accused of buying crack cocaine--
Billy Blow; Columbia, Mo., man sentenced to three years in prison in
January for sexually abusing a 7-year-old boy--Fred Rogers. [Rock Island
Argus-AP, 12-9-93] [Amicus Journal, Winter 1994] [Times-Picayune, Dec93]
[Northwest (D. C.) Current, 12-1-93] [Baton Rouge Advocate-AP, 8-18-93]
[Columbia Tribune, 1-13-94]
Least Competent Criminal
* Fargo, N. D., police reported that late in the evening on April 9, a
person stole a car and tried to get past a quagmire of mud and water on
a road but became stuck. That person then stole another car three
blocks away and tried to pass through the same mess, again becoming
stuck. He or she then stole a pickup truck a block away and tried yet
another pass through. All three vehicles were found the next morning
firmly stuck in the mud. [Fargo Forum, 4-13-94]
I Don't Think So
* In January, British actress Gillian Taylforth testified in court that,
contrary to a police officer's assertion, she was not performing oral
sex on her fiance Geoffrey Knights in the front seat of a car on a
public road, but rather that he had just suffered a gastrointestinal
attack and that she was merely comforting him by massaging his abdomen
with her hands. Taylforth had filed a libel lawsuit against England's
Sun newspaper for reporting the incident as oral sex, and the judge
allowed the jurors out to the courthouse parking lot where Taylforth
and Knights took their seats in the vehicle, with seatbelts fastened,
and Taylforth demonstrated what she said she did. (The jury ruled
against her.) [The Guardian, 1-13-94; The Economist, 1-29-94]
Undignified Death
* In March, George William Corrao, 41, was charged in the shotgun death
of his mother in Milwaukee. According to police, while the two were
watching television, Corrao became agitated because she was talking
incessantly about Olympic skater Dan Jansen. [Syracuse
Herald-Journal-Milwaukee Journal, 3-6-94]
Copyright 1994, Universal Press Syndicate. All rights
reserved. Released for the personal use of readers.
No commercial use may be made of the material or of the
name News of the Weird.
