[285] in Humor
HUMOR: Recent short bits
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Mon May 23 17:31:33 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 23 May 94 17:26:12 EDT
Date: Mon, 23 May 94 13:01:03 PDT
From: Connie_Kleinjans@Novell.COM (Connie Kleinjans)
Subject: HUMOR: Recent short bits
A quote lifted from a sig on the net. Just wonderful. :)
"I pledge a lesson to the frog of the United States of
America. And to the wee puppet for witch's hands. One Asian,
in the vestibule, with little tea and just rice for all."
-- Bette Bao Lord, age 8. [Newsweek, 7/6.]
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From: APUCORLE @ IDBSU.BITNET (Phil Corless) @ UGATE
With a dog, you feed him, you give him plenty of affection, you
take him for walks and he thinks, "Wow, this guy must be a god."
With a cat, however, you feed him, you love him, you care for
him and he thinks, "Wow, I must be a god."
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From krowan@rosalind.SJF.novell.com
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
Subject: Quote of the day
"Cigarette smoking is not addictive."
- William Campbell, president of leading cancerstick manufacturer
Philip Morris U.S.A., testifying (lying?) recently before a
U.S. Congressional health subcommittee (and incidentally
demonstrating why corporate buttheads are not held up as paragons of
moral virtue.)
Submitted by: Terry Labach <terry>
May. 19, 1994
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Send quotes to qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
Send list changes or requests to qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca
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From: rocky@cadence.com (Rochelle Grober)
A protestant moved into a completly Catholic comunity. Being good
Catholics they welcomed him to their comunity. But, also because they
were good Catholics they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So, when
their neighbor, receiving his paycheck on Fridays, began barbequing
some juicy steak, they began to squirm.
They were so anoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much
talk they conviced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went to
the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said:
You were born Protestant -
You were raised Protestant -
But now you are Catholic.
And so, the next Friday, the neighbors sat down to eat fish and were
disturbed by the smell of roast beef from the neighboring house. They
went over to talk to the new Catholic because he new he was not
supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinkling
catsup on the beef saying:
You were born a cow -
You were raised a cow -
But now you are fish.
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From: Bob Kitzberger <rlk@Rational.COM>
Subject: HUMOR: The truth about Smokey the Bear
The following letter to the editor appeared in the Boston Globe this week:
Bear Hug
In a recent column Susan Trausch [Globe columnist] referred to Smokey the
Bear. It is true that Smokey the Bear deserves praise for his campaign
against forest fires. But nobody ever mentions the boy scouts he kills
for their hats.
(signed) Martin H. Slobodkin
Cambridge
David Lanznar
lanznar@world.std.com
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David Letterman's Top Ten Names for the Rolling Stones Tour:
10) Van Full of Grandpas
9) The Rolling Stones Live plus Keith Richards
8) Guitar Playing Geezers
7) Brown Sugar and Lots of Bran
6) Metamusic
5) The $140 Million In The Bank Isn't Enough Tour
4) Cocoon 3
3) Hey, You! Get Offa My Barcalounger!
2) Instruments Hooked Up To The Clapper Tour
1) Grumpy Old Men
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From: "Marc Kenig" <marc_kenig@blyth.com>
Subj: Philosophical lunch quote of the day...
Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the
on roof and gets stuck.
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From: lesinger@aol.com
Subject: Humor: Weighty News
Found in the Tabloid News column of The San Jose Mercury News:
"Californians must shed 300 million pounds of flab"
"German earthquake expert Dr. Fritz Weller says many quakes are caused by the
pressure of an overweight society on weak places in the Earth's crust," the
World Weekly News reports...in its May 3 issue.
"People don't realize how much strain their extra weight is putting on those
fragile fault lines, Weller said. "In San Francisco and Los Angeles, which
are directly over major faults, the average person is 14.8 pounds overweight.
. . .
"My studies indicate that if each L.A. and San Francisco resident will lose
15 pounds by the end of the year, we can delay 'the big one' indefinitely."
