daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Brian T Sniffen)
Tue May 25 13:08:57 1999
To: humor@MIT.EDU
From: Brian T Sniffen <brians@MIT.EDU>
Date: 25 May 1999 13:07:14 -0400
Lamentations (Mom's Bible)
Laws Pertaining to Dessert
For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is
clean,
saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert. But of
the unclean plate, the laws are these:
If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with
each
bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas,
eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes
to
fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have
dessert. But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the
potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet
leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a
small portion thereof. And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes
or
peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have
not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no
dessert.
Laws When at Table
And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a
greater
person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were.
Neither
raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an
abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to
show,
your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.
Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor
fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you
will
dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away.
When
you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not
bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to
make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent away.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have
swallowed,
and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I
say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the
same to you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the
table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your
lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not
with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is
why.
And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not
stand
them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.
Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other,
nor
slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like
that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have
said, it has come to pass .
On Screaming
Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given
a
plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are
touching
each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to
the
offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream
not,
only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the
fault. Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece
of
herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is
loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from
screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto
death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your
face, nor press your fingers to your nose. For even though I have not
made
the fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.
Laws of Forbidden Place
Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all
foods
that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but
not
in the living room.
Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not
in
the living room.
Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and
of
all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may
eat, but not in the living room.
Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you
may
eat, but absolutely not in the living room.
Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you
may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such
therein.
Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of
any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink.
But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may
you eat in the living room.
Concerning Face and Hands
Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the
hills,
that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you; even
to
the very back of your head, there is rice thereon. And in the breast
pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other
fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see. Only hold
yourself
still; hold still, I say. Give each finger in its turn for my
examination
thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do
is
as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I have done. Bite not,
lest
you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath water, nor
of
the bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in
the package; nor rub yourself against cars, not against any building;
nor
eat sand.
And you shall remember that I am that I am; before, after and until you
are
twenty-one. Hear me then, and avoid me in my wrath, O children of mine.
