[2793] in Humor
bostonians
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Ajai Bharadwaj)
Thu Apr 29 15:29:18 1999
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 29 Apr 1999 15:27:04 EDT
From: Ajai Bharadwaj <ajai@MIT.EDU>
You Might Be A Bostonian If...
1. You think of Philadelphia as the "deep south."
2. You think it is your God-given right to cut someone off in traffic.
3. You think there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no R).
4. You think three straight days of 90+ weather is a heat wave.
5. All your pets are namedr Celtic hall of famers
after Celtic
hall-of-famers.
6. You refer to 6 inches of snow as a "dusting."
7. Just hearing the words "New York" puts you in an angry frenzy.
8. You don't think you have an attitude.
9. Everything in town is "a five minute walk."
10. You know the significance of 1918.
11. When out of town, you think the natives of the area you're visiting
are all whacked.
12. If you still can't bear to watch highlights from game 6 of the 1986
World Series.
13. You have no idea what the word compromise means.
14. You believe using your turn signal is a sign of weakness.
15. You don't realize you walk twice as fast as everyone else.
16. You're anal, neurotic, spasmatic, and stubborn.
17. You think if someone is nice to you, they must want something or are
from out of town.
18. Your favorite adjective is "wicked."
19. You think 63 degree ocean water is warm.
20. You think the Kennedys are misunderstood.
If You're From Boston...
1. You'll know who the cahdnal is, how to take the T to JP and what the
blinking red light atop the old Hancock Building means in the summer.
2. And if you're smaht, you'll know how not to get cahded at the
packie.
Herewith, a survival guide to Boston:
How we tok...
We don't speak English. We speak whatever they brought over here from
East Anglia in 1630. The Bawston accent is basically the broad A and
the dropped R, which we add to words ending in A.
This would include Cuber and Soder.
For the broad A, just open your mouth and say "ah," like the docta says.
So car is cah, park is pahk. If you want to tok like the mayah, repeat
this:
"My ahnt takes her bahth at hahpast foah."
When we say...
bzah = odd
flahwiz = flowers (roses, daisies, etc)
hahpahst = 30 minutes after the hour
Hahwahya? = How are you?
khakis = what we staht the cah with
pissa = superb
retahded = silly
shuah = of course
wicked = extremely
yiz = you, plural
How we know you weren't bon heah...
1. You wear a Harvard sweatshirt.
2. You cross at a crosswalk.
3. You ask directions to "Cheers."
4. You order a grinder and a pop.
5. You pronounce it "Worchester."
6. You walk the Freedom Trail.
7. You call it "Copely" Square.
8. You go to BU.
About Our Cuisine...
1. Boston cream pie is cake.
2. Frappes have ice cream; milk shakes don't.
3. Chowdah does not come with tomatoes.
4. Soda is club soda. Pop is Dad. If it's fizzy and flavored, it's
tonic.
5. When we want tonic water, we say tonic water.
6. Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish. If you paid
more than $6 a pound for it, you got scrod.
7. Brown bread comes in a can. You open both ends, push it out, heat
it, and eat it with baked beans.
8. They're hot dogs. Franks were people who lived in France in the
ninth century.
Thing Not To Do:
1. Don't call it Beantown.
2. Don't pahk youah cah in Hahvid Yahd. They'll tow it to Meffa.
3. Don't swim in the Charles, no matter what Bill Weld tells you.
4. Don't sleep in the Common.
5. Don't wear orange in Southie on St. Patrick's Day.
6. Don't call the mayah "Mumbles." He hates that.
7. Don't ask what she's majoring in. You don't care.
Things You Should Know...
There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses, and two
Hancock buildings.
There's also a Boston Latin School and a Boston Latin Academy...how
should we know which one you mean?
Route 128 is also I-95. It is also I-93.
It's the Sx, the Pats, the Seltz, the Broons.
The subway doesn't run all night. This isn't Noo Yawk.
