[2702] in Humor
HUMOR: How to Argue [Dave Barry]
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Edwin Olson)
Sun Mar 7 17:23:44 1999
Reply-To: "Edwin Olson" <eolson@MIT.EDU>
From: "Edwin Olson" <eolson@MIT.EDU>
To: <humor@MIT.EDU>
Date: Sun, 7 Mar 1999 17:22:31 -0500
How to Win Debates, by Dave Barry
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on
any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at
parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
You, too, can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
* Drink Liquor.
Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the
economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some
health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to
display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you
drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about
the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue
forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture.
People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.
* Make things up.
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians
are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are
underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be
better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say: "The average
Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is
$1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."
NOTE: Always make up exact figures.
If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too.
Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford
Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same
tone of voice you would use to say "You left your soiled underwear in
my bath house."
* Use meaningless but weightly-sounding words and phrases.
Memorize this list:
Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," "e.g.,"
and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do not."
Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say:
"Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have
enough money." You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win
if you say: "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis
Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to
speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."
Only a fool would challenge that statement.
* Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevent phrases to fire back at your
opponents when they make valid points. The best are:
You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples and oranges.
What are your parameters?
This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has
the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.
Here's how to use your comebacks:
You say, " As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873..."
Your opponent says, "Lincoln died in 1865."
You say, "You're begging the question."
OR
You say, "Liberians, like most Asians..."
Your opponent says, "Liberia is in Africa."
You say, "You're being defensive."
* Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.
This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and
you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: "That sounds
suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or "You certainly do
remind me of Adolf Hitler."
So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any
of this on people who carry weapons.
