[269] in Humor
HUMOR - Dave: A hairy experience
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Mon May 16 13:44:42 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 16 May 94 13:41:18 -0400
To: humor@MIT.EDU
A Hairy Experience
by Dave Barry
May 16, 1994
> Summer vacation is almost here. Soon it will be time for
>you parents to pile the kids into the car, show them how to work
>the ignition key, then watch them roar off down the street,
>possibly in reverse, as you head back into your house for two
>weeks of quiet relaxation.
> I am pulling your leg, of course. You have to go with
>them. You also are required, by federal law, to take them to at
>least one historical or natural site featuring an educational
>exhibit with a little button that you're supposed to push, except
>that when you do, nothing happens, because all the little light
>bulbs, which were supposed to light up in an educational manner
>and tell The Story Of Moss burned out in 1973. But this does not
>matter. What matters is that this is a memorable and rewarding
>and, above all, enjoyable vacation experience that you are
>providing for your children whether they like it or not.
> "DAMMIT YOU KIDS," you might find yourself explaining to
>them, "IF YOU DON'T TAKE THOSE LEGOS OUT OF YOUR LITTLE BROTHER'S
>NOSE AND COME LOOK AT THIS EDUCATIONAL EXHIBIT THIS INSTANT, I
>SWEAR I WILL NOT TAKE YOU TO THE OYSTER KINGDOM THEME PARK."
> This situation demonstrates why you should never set out
>on a family summer vacation without a complete set of parental
>threats. You cannot simply assume that when your children have,
>for example, locked somebody else's child inside the motel ice
>machine, you'll be able to come up with a good parental threat
>right there on the spot. You need to prepare your threats in
>advance and write them on a wallet card for easy reference.
> YOU (sternly): If you kids don't let that child out of the
>ice machine this instant, I'm going to ... (referring to wallet
>card) ... DONATE MY ORGANS.
> FIRST CHILD: Huh?
> SECOND CHILD: He's reading from his driver's license
>again.
> YOU (referring to another wallet card): OK, here we go:
>I'm going to TAKE AWAY YOUR GAME BOY.
> FIRST CHILD: We don't have a Game Boy.
> SECOND CHILD: Jason threw it into the Water Whiz ride back
>at Pez Adventure.
> YOU (in a very stern parental voice): All right then,
>we'll just have to BUY ANOTHER ONE.
> Yes, you need strict discipline on a family vacation. You
>also should have some kind of theme for your trip, and this year
>the theme that I am recommending is: Hairballs Across America.
>Your first stop is Garden City, Kan., home of the Finney County
>Historical Society Museum, which features, according to news
>reports sent in by many alert readers, the largest known hairball
>in captivity, not counting members of Congress. This hairball
>measures 37 inches in diameter and weighs 55 pounds. That is what
>we in professional journalism call "a big hairball."
>I called up the historical society museum director, Mary
>Warren, who told me that the hairball was graciously donated by a
>local meat packing plant, which found it inside the stomach of a
>cow. Cows develop interior hairballs from licking their own coats
>and swallowing fur, similar to the way cats do, except that cats
>can get rid of their hairballs by hawking them up onto your face
>while you sleep. Cows cannot do this, of course; they have no way
>of getting into your bedroom.
> Anyway, the Finney County hairball is larger than the one
>that recently won a national hairball contest (I am not making any
>of this up) sponsored by Ripley's Believe It Or Not. Mary Warren
>told me that another local meat-packing plant had recently offered
>the historical society an even LARGER hairball, but she turned it
>down. I think this was wise. You put two hairballs of that
>magnitude in one place, and crowd control becomes a problem.
> Anyway, Warren confirmed that the original hairball will
>be on display this summer, along with other cow-related exhibits
>that I am sure will have your kids punching each other in the head
>with delight. After you tear them away, your next stop will be the
>nearby Midwestern state of Indiana (motto: "It's Also Pretty
>Flat"), where you will be visiting the city of Alexandria. This
>is the historic site where, according to a story written by Sarah
>Mawhorr for The Anderson (Ind.) Herald Bulletin, it took three men
>to pull a giant hairball out of a manhole last year.
> "We thought we had a goat," a city sewer official was
>quoted as saying.
> Needless to say, this hairball was not caused by a cow.
>Cows do not fare well in the sewer environment, because of the
>alligators. This hairball was formed by people taking showers, and
>having their hairs wash down the drain and clump together in a
>giant mass that would be a wonderful symbol of the Common Bond
>That Unites All Humanity if it weren't basically a big disgusting
>wad of sewage-drenched hair.
> Tragically -- and this is yet another argument for
>stricter federal guidelines -- the giant hairball was left
>outside, and it disintegrated. But it had already become famous --
>it got mentioned in USA Today -- and a replica hairball (I am
>still not making this up) appeared in Alexandria's annual
>Christmas parade. So even though there is, technically, nothing to
>see, I am recommending that you take your children to Alexandria
>and let them soak up the historic atmosphere.
> "Just think, kids!" you should tell them. "Right here
>in this town, there was a hairball THE SIZE OF A GOAT! Isn't that
>amazing? Kids? HEY! YOU KIDS COME BACK HERE!"
> You should never have left the keys in the car.
>
>(C) 1994 THE MIAMI HERALD
>DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.
