[2672] in Humor
mmmm.... hydrogen...
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Tom Yu)
Thu Feb 18 17:39:45 1999
Date: Thu, 18 Feb 1999 17:26:39 -0500 (EST)
To: humor@MIT.EDU
From: Tom Yu <tlyu@MIT.EDU>
Message-Id: <19990218215358.23718.rocketmail@send203.yahoomail.com>
Date: Thu, 18 Feb 1999 13:53:57 -0800 (PST)
From: Dionysia <dionysia8@yahoo.com>
TOKYO (AP) The recent craze for hydrogen beer is at the heart of a
three way lawsuit between unemployed stockbroker Toshira Otoma, the
Tike-Take karaoke bar and the Asaka Beer Corporation.
Mr. Otoma is suing the bar and the brewery for selling toxic
substances and is claiming damages for grievous bodily harm leading to
the loss of his job. The bar is counter suing for defamation and loss
of customers.
The Asaka Beer corporation brews "Suiso" brand beer, where the carbon
dioxide normally used to add fizz has been replaced by the more
environmentally friendly hydrogen gas. A side effect of this has made
the beer extremely popular at karaoke sing-along bars and discotheques.
Hydrogen, like helium, is a gas lighter than air. Because hydrogen
molecules are lighter than air, sound waves are transmitted more
rapidly; individuals whose lungs are filled with the nontoxic gas can
speak with an uncharacteristically high voice. Exploiting this quirk
of physics, chic urbanites can now sing soprano parts on karaoke
sing-along machines after consuming a big gulp of Suiso beer.
The flammable nature of hydrogen has also become another selling
point, even though Asaka has not acknowledged that this was a
deliberate marketing ploy. It has inspired a new fashion of blowing
flames from one's mouth using a cigarette as an ignition source. Many
new karaoke videos feature singers shooting blue flames in slow
motion, while flame contests take place in pubs everywhere.
"Mr. Otoma has no-one to blame but himself. If he had not become drunk
and disorderly, none of this would have happened. Our security guards
undergo the most careful screening and training before they are
allowed to deal with customers" said Mr. Takashi Nomura, Manager of
the Tike-Take bar.
"Mr. Otoma drank fifteen bottles of hydrogen beer in order to maximize
the size of the flames he could belch during the contest. He
catapulted balls of fire across the room that Gojira would be proud
of, but this was not enough to win him first prize since the judgment
is made on the quality of the flames and that of the singing, and
after fifteen bottles of lager he was badly out of tune."
"He took exception to the result and hurled blue fireballs at the
judge, singeing the front of Mrs. Mifune's hair, entirely removing her
eyebrows and lashes, and ruining the clothes of two nearby customers.
None of these people have returned to the bar. When our security staff
approached he turned his attentions to them, making it almost
impossible to approach him."
"Our head bouncer had no choice but to hurl himself at Mr. Otoma's
knees, knocking his legs from under him."
"The laws of physics are not to be disobeyed, and the force that
propelled Mr. Otoma's legs backwards also pivoted around his center of
gravity and moved his upper body forward with equal velocity. It was
his own fault he had his mouth open for the next belch, his own fault
he held a lighted cigarette in front of it and it is own fault he
swallowed that cigarette."
"The Tike-Take bar takes no responsibility for the subsequent internal
combustion, rupture of his stomach lining, nor the third degree burns
to his esophagus, larynx and sinuses as the exploding gases forced
their way out of his body. His consequential muteness and loss of
employment are his own fault."
Mr. Otoma was unavailable for comment.
