[2646] in Humor
funny onion article...
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (maze of conceits to the heart of b)
Wed Feb 3 22:53:32 1999
Date: Wed, 3 Feb 1999 22:52:12 -0500 (EST)
From: maze of conceits to the heart of boredom <krevice@sub-zero.mit.edu>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
ha ha!
k.
Lewinsky Subpoenaed To Re-Blow Clinton On Senate Floor
'We Must Know Exactly What Happened,' Say Legislators
WASHINGTON, DC--On the heels of last week's decision to allow witness
testimony in the presidential impeachment trial, key witness Monica
Lewinsky was subpoenaed Monday to re-blow President Clinton on the
Senate floor.
The controversial re-fellating, which, under the terms of the court
order, will involve the full participation of both Lewinsky and the
president, was described by Senate leaders as a regrettable but
unfortunately very necessary" move.
"This trial is not about sex, it's about perjury," Senate Majority
Leader Trent Lott (R-MS) said. "Our job is to determine whether or not
the president lied under oath. Although the Starr Report contained
many detailed descriptions, until we see for ourselves, with our own
eyes, exactly what took place during these secret rendezvous between
the president and Miss Lewinsky, we won't have all the facts necessary
to determine if the president's statements before the grand jury
constituted a crime."
In addition to fellatio, Lewinsky and Clinton will be required to
reenact several other key sex acts in which the pair allegedly
engaged, including but not limited to: deep or "French" kissing,
under-the-sweater fondling, and vaginal penetration with various
objects.
Responding to outraged Clinton defense lawyers, who denounced the
reenactment as "a blatant attempt on the part of political enemies of
this administration to humiliate the president," chief prosecutor
Rep. Henry Hyde (R-IL) insisted that it is necessary to ensure a fair
trial.
"How can we rule objectively in this case without all the details?
Yes, we know that the president inserted a cigar into Miss Lewinsky's
vagina, but just how many inches of it did he manage to work all the
way up inside there?" Hyde asked. "What were their exact facial
expressions at key moments of ecstatic release? To what extent did
Miss Lewinsky's ample bosom bounce to and fro as she vigorously bobbed
her head up and down? Precisely how much of the president's erect
penis was Miss Lewinsky physically able to force deep into the back of
her throat? Was there gagging involved? Were the president's balls,
at any point in the proceedings, licked? If we do not explore every
possible detail of these shocking improprieties, we will never know
the answers to these vital questions of national security."
"If President Clinton has any respect for the Constitution and the
citizens of this nation," Hyde added, "he will cooperate fully in
these proceedings and allow himself to be sucked off with calm,
reserved dignity, without resorting to partisan name-calling. Nothing
less than the very future of our country is at stake."
More controversy is expected Friday, when Senate debate is scheduled
to begin on the issue of whether the crucial cocksuckings will be
televised. Though Clinton defense lawyers are fighting to have the
reenactments performed in a closed-door session, most senators are
demanding that they be included in the regular televised broadcasts of
the trial, citing the imperative of the public's "right to know."
"If, as the president says, he is innocent of perjury, with nothing to
hide, he should have no reason to fear providing full
disclosure--including full frontal nudity, if necessary--before the
American people," Sen. Phil Gramm (R-TX) said. "As elected officials,
we have taken a solemn oath to serve the interests of those we
represent. If we fail to provide the public with the whole truth--no
matter how sordid, depraved, perverse or even vicariously titillating
it may be--we have failed in our duty to the people of this nation."
In the event that television cameras are allowed, as is expected,
complete coverage of the presidential fellating, as well as related
"second-" and "third-base" sex acts, will be aired live on
C-SPAN. Highlight footage of particularly critical segments, such as
genital/anal contact and ejaculation, will also be broadcast on all
the prime-time network newscasts.
Due to the enormous public interest in the scandal, as well as the
ease of global dissemination via television and the Internet, footage
of the Senate-floor coupling is expected to rank among the most widely
seen in history, with near-constant re-airings on cable TV likely to
last well beyond the year 2015. Many Americans are expressing alarm
over such a prospect.
"How am I supposed to explain to my six-year-old daughter that the
president is fucking some girl's mouth on TV?" asked Lorraine Sanders,
associate director of the What About The Children? Foundation and a
staunch presidential-penis-penetration opponent. "For God's sake,
she's only a child. An innocent child!"
"This trial is not the sort of thing our kids should be exposed to,"
said concerned parent Judith LaFleur, who is leading a campaign to
place content-warning labels on federal legislators. "Watching the
president get his cock feverishly sucked is for mature, responsible
adults only."
Despite the public outcry, those legislators who are demanding the
re-blowings remain adamant that the proceedings be televised
uncensored and in their entirety, calling it "a matter of ethics."
"This may be the most important issue ever faced by Congress in its
210-year history," Hyde said. "We are talking about the possible
removal of the highest elected official in the land, and that is not
the sort of matter that should be trivialized."
(c) 1999 The Onion
