[2618] in Humor
HUMOR: Tips if you're an evil overlord
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Igor Lyubashevskiy)
Thu Jan 14 13:03:08 1999
Date: Thu, 14 Jan 1999 12:32:42 -0500
From: Igor Lyubashevskiy <ilyubash@us.oracle.com>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
This one is a bit long, but I am sure Machiavelli would be proud it.
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If I ever become an Evil Overlord:
1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass
visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept
anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is _not_ too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on
the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the
Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same
applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks,
"Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will
be, "No, just sensible."
8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, ``Look, before you
kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?'' I'll say,
``No.'' and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say
``No.''
9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married
immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three
weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried
out.
10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button
labeled ``Danger: Do Not Push''. The big red button marked ``Do Not
Push'' will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough
to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be
labeled as such.
11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small
hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need
to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my
weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an
accident: I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't
believe it.
15. I will make it clear that I _do_ know the meaning of the word
"mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any
flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
implementation.
17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the
bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any
accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the
aforementioned disposal.
18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as
members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military
boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any
other form of last request.
20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find
that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to
activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his
plan into operation.
21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently
twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's
caused.
22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's
just one thing I want to know."
23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to
their advice.
24. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned
attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal
distraction at a crucial point in time.
25. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was
evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray
her own father.
26. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected
developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to
accordingly.
27. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original
uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-off
that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or
savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my
troops to have a more positive mind-set.
28. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I
will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
29.I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops
in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my
power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons
useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed
with spears and rocks.
30. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and
weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at
least I will never utter the line ``No, this cannot be! I AM
INVINCIBLE!!!'' (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
31. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any
sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one
small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
32. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are,
there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to
kill me.
Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my
bedchamber.
33. I will never build only one of anything important. All important
systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the
same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at
all times.
34. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot
escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
35. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies
into confusion.
36. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and
cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My
foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no
source of comic relief.
37. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with
surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected
reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
38. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad
news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard
to come by.
39. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to
wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual
dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will
be reserved for formal occasions.
40. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
41. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look
diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of
Generation X.
42. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell
block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I
will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of
handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
43. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing
a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
44. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring
anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead
of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards
me in my old age.
45. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride
at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my
opposite number among his army.
46. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an
unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as
possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
47. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky
time-travel devices.
48. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog,
monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of
untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
49. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the
beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good
looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my
plans.
50. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who
work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the
odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
51. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is
responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general
screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say ``And here
is the price for failure,'' then suddenly turn and kill some random
underling.
52. If an advisor says to me ``My liege, he is but one man. What can
one man possibly do?'', I will reply ``This.'' and kill the advisor.
53. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I
will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for
him to mature.
54. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology
with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will
not immediately come after me for revenge.
55. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy
me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send
them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the
local paper.
56. My main computers will have their own special operating system
that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh
PowerBook's.
57. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the
conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately
transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
58. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to
examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned
tunnels that I might not know about.
59. If the beautiful princess that I capture says ``I'll never marry
you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!'', I will say ``Oh well'' and
kill her.
60. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to
double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
61. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place
in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important
covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if
there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less
attention.
62. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any
who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used
for target practice.
63. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will
carefully read the owner's manual.
64. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose
dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
65. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
66. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any
code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30
seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
67. If my advisors ask ``Why are you risking everything on such a mad
scheme?'', I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies
them.
68. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding
structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a
firefight.
69. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not
compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense
about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable
intervals.
70. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely
unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be
a disadvantage.
71. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals,
the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as
the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The
actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow
Containment.
72. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone
who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for
fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that
sequence will trigger the alarm system.
73. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be
instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a
full-scale emergency.
74. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This
is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the
offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again,
they'd better save my life again.
75. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be
delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in
foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of
the wild.
76. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always
travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one
of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will
immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of
quizzically peering around a corner.
77. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she
should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of
marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
78. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device
and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead
of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
79. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged
contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them
to win.
80. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so
that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I
will not label the disk ``Project Overlord'' and leave it lying on top
of my desk.
81. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse,
instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack
one or two at a time.
82. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and
struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also
not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge
over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
83. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero
the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain
enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of
earshot before making the offer.
84. I will not tell my Legions of Terror ``And he must be taken
alive!'' The command will be ``And try to take him alive if it is
reasonably practical.''
85. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as
soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into
limited-edition commemorative coins.
86. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my
best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones
as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
87. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have
disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me
and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning
around to find out what he saw.
88. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in
front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced
structure.
89. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then
have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for
both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with
him.
90. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the
opposite sex.
91. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly
complicated, e.g. ``Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar
then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse.'' Instead
it will be more along the lines of ``Push the button.''
92. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and
properly grounded.
93. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use.
Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
94. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate
them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task
again.
95. After I capture the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately
disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds
the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I
took it from him.
96. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation
is facing away from the door.
97. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and
obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment
is finished. It might actually be important.
98. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him.
Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new
insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone
for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the
path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this
regard.)
99. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an
underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is
scheduled to go first.
100. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop
and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
101. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete
with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate
tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team
instead of opening up the cell for a look.
102. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control
panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on
the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
103. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain
reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
104. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully
monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I
will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together
against their will and they spend all their time bickering and
criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when
they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of
sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
105. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in
size.
106. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless
trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet
access.
