[2547] in Humor
Help an NBA player!
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Fri Nov 13 00:50:07 1998
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Cc: andrew_bennett@wdi.disney.com, admin@masshist.org
Date: Fri, 13 Nov 1998 00:47:02 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
NBA PLAYER ADOPTION PROGRAM NEEDS YOU!
With an NBA player's strike against the team owners, now is the time
for us to show the world just how much we care. It's just not
right. Hundreds of basketball players in our very own country are
living at or just below the seven-figure salary line. And as if that
weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several
weeks-possibly a whole year!
But now you can help!
For about two thousand dollars a day - that's less than the cost of a
large screen projection TV - you can help keep a basketball player
economically viable during his time of need. Two thousand dollars a
day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball
player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing
in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, two thousand dollars
is nothing more than three months rent or mortgage payments. But to a
basketball player, two thousand dollars a day will almost replace his
salary.
Your commitment of two thousand dollars a day will enable a player to
buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year old Lexus for a
new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.
HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player
you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k),
real estate and other investment holdings will be mailed to your
home. You'll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5
million lump sum he will receive upon retirement.
HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING?
Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who
just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know
your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a
special operator just in case additional funds are needed for
unexpected expenses. Simply fill out the form below.
YES, I want to help! I would like to sponsor a striking NBA
basketball player. My preference is checked below:
[ ] Starter
[ ] Reserve
[ ] Star*
[ ] Superstar**
[ ] Entire team***
[ ] I'll sponsor a player most in need. Please select one for me.
* Higher cost
** Much higher cost
*** Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team.
(Does not include cheerleaders)
Please charge the account listed below $2,054.79 per day for reserve
or starter for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of
the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very own
NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel.
[ ] MasterCard
[ ] Visa
[ ] American Express
[ ] Discover Card
[ ] Diner's Club
Your Name: __________________________
Telephone Number:____________________
Account Number: _____________________
Exp. Date: __________________________
Signature: _________________________
Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-888-TOOMUCH
now to enroll by phone (Children under 18 must have parent's
approval).
Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have
sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not
limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep
in mind that the basketball player you have sponsored will be much too
busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations. Oh
yes, contributions are not tax deductible.
