[2488] in Humor
Heavenly press release
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Me)
Fri Oct 9 14:24:18 1998
Date: Fri, 09 Oct 1998 14:19:34 -0400
To: humor@MIT.EDU
From: Me <jerrod@MIT.EDU>
> Subject: Fw: Heavenly Press Release
>
> HEAVEN (AP) --Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose
> that God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal
> began when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she
> had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet
> of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for
> a long time," that she was constantly talking about her relationship
> with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child."
>
> In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial,
> saying, "No sexual relationship existed," and that "the facts of this
> story will come out in time, verily".
>
> Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with
> the Justice Department to expand his investigation to cover questions
> of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had
> illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through
> three foreign operatives known only as the "Wise Men." Beelzebub has
> issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as
> go-betweens in the affair.
>
> Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do
> with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to
> investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to
> cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months,
> Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to cover
> questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's
> political opponents in the last election, as well as to claimsthat
> the destruction of Sodom and Gomorra was intended to divert attention
> from the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised Country to a
> Jewish special interest group, which some have claimed was a quid pro
> quo for political contributions.
>
> If these allegations prove to be true, this could be a huge blow to
> God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter
> moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God
> recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of
> 10 "Commandments," which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by
> Rep. Moses (R). Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks
> any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for
> the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as
> being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.
>
> Prof. Alvin Goldman
> University of Kentucky College of Law
> Lexington, KY 40506, U.S.A.
> ph (606)257-3325; fax (606)323-1061
> e-mail agoldman@pop.uky.edu
>
>
>
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| Jerrod Wiesman | jerrod@mit.edu | Don't get Even, |
| 283 Washington St | jerrod@arepa.com | Get Odd! |
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