[248] in Humor
HUMOR: 5 Questons, Updated
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Thu May 5 10:41:35 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 05 May 94 10:39:06 EDT
Date: Wed, 4 May 94 12:35:55 PDT
From: ckleinja@Novell.COM (Connie Kleinjans)
Subject: HUMOR: 5 Questions, Updated
An updated classic.
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Five questions men should avoid answering:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed
to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not
answered properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question,
of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just
reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful,
intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to
have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance
whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which
was most likely one of the following:
a - Football
b - Baseball
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How to spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid
question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was
asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said,
"I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong
answers:
2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is,
"Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you
may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question
is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and
then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin
either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about
your insurance policy.
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the
question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at
so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a
movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you
are much prettier." Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about
your insurance policy.
5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest
love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to
have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the
front tires of the first Domino's Pizza delivery vehicle that came
my way."
This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated
by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?" "Why, dear,
I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such
a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of course not,
dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the
wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry." "You would?" said the
wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a
long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her
wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the
pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose
you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
Ah, yes. A very comical look at the sad state of affairs between
men and women. Following is a similar one for "Questions you
don't ask women."
The four questions you DON'T ask women:
1. Do you think I'm going bald?
2. Ok if I buy another new stereo/car/computer/other gadget?
3. What's for dinner?
4. Honey, I'm a little short on cash. Could you pay for dinner?
1. "Do you think I'm going bald?" The correct answer is simply, "no."
Wrong answers:
"Well... Just a little patch at the top..."
"Some women think bald is sexy."
"Didn't you know? Everyone else says so."
"Would it make you feel better if I said 'no'?"
"Well, you still have a great personality!"
"I've seen balder."
"Don't worry. Your insurance covers hair implants."
2. "Ok if I buy another stereo/TV/car/computer/other gadget?"
Any one of these will do:
"OK, if you buy me another diamond ring."
"As soon as we get the new house."
"Only if you promise to make dinner for the next 6 months."
"What's the matter? Are you trying to make up for your hair loss?"
3. "What's for dinner?"
"Domino's pizza."
"Don't you remember what day today is?"
"Your new stereo."
"I heard that balding men make great chefs..."
"Could you repeat the question? I was momentarily blinded by your
bald spot."
4. "Honey, I'm a little short on cash. Could you pay for dinner?"
"Sure, if you sell one of your stereos/cars/video
decks/computers..."
"I thought your insurance covered this sort of thing."
"No problem. Just wait a few minutes while I rewrite my insurance
policy / will."
"Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about whether your
bald spot was getting bigger."
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