[2479] in Humor
Fwd: History of the World (fwd)
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Mikhail Khusid)
Mon Oct 5 15:00:27 1998
From: "Mikhail Khusid" <Mikhail_Khusid@notes.teradyne.com>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 5 Oct 1998 14:57:50 -0400
<multiple forwards removed>
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The World According to Student Bloopers
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is
receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have
pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably
genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United
States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you
will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies, and they all wrote in
hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot.
The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live
elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by
irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of
a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between
France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their
children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to
sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his
brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons
to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons,
Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led
them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made
without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to
get the Ten Commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the
liar. He fougth with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in
Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700
porcupines.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't
have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian,
Dorc and Ironic-and built the Apocalypse. They also had myths. A
myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him
in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The
Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was
the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer
was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and
threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government
of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own
hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they
couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they
fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians
had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans
because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the
guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the
battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he
was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his
poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur
lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the
Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw,
and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally,
the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the
same offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer
of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote
literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an
apple while standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg
for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being
excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the
female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age
of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir
Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes.
Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found
walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth
was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth
exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her
navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.
Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his
plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies,
comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations
out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another,
Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his
manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing
at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote".
The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then
his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships
were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims
crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they
landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill
rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on
their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their
cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one
for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John
Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in
their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post
without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere were throwing
balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing.
Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two
singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston
carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each
arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a
horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is
still dead.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father
of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to
secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the
right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said,
"In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address
while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an
envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the
Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux
Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot
in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed
assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposed insane actor. This ruined
Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare
invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was
invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the
apples are falling off the trees.
Johann Bach Wrote a great many musical compositiions and had a large
number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster, which
he kept up in his attic. He was the most famous composer in the world,
and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English.
He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote
music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He
took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him.
Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was
accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of
the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the
Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their
shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at
Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was
very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but
since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in
the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen.
She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of
her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final
event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts.
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a
hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer
discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote
the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl
Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf,
ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
We will win. We have the advantage of no choice.
--Leon Uris, "Mitla Pass"
