[2467] in Humor
fwd
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Yelena Margolin)
Thu Sep 24 16:04:42 1998
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 24 Sep 1998 16:01:37 EDT
From: Yelena Margolin <yelya@MIT.EDU>
------- Forwarded Message
Here's Scott Adams' comments on the whole affair; it's rather long,
but well-written (I apologize to those who have already seen it in
today's DNRC newsletter):
Induhviduals And Zippergate
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Lately I have been subjected to many Induhvidual opinions about
Zippergate. Rather than respond to them as they happen, which would
require me to yell at my television set, thereby scaring all of my other
appliances, I will address these curious viewpoints here.
Note: I have no strong opinion of what should happen to the President.
I'm just amused by it all.
Induhvidual Opinion #1 -- It's about lies, not sex
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Some Induhviduals say it's not the sex, it's the lying that's the real
problem. But it's not a general kind of lying that's the problem, it's
specifically the President's unwillingness to share details of his sex
life with every human being in the world. By that standard, only
Geraldo Rivera and Dennis Rodman could qualify to be President.
If lying is so damnable, let's say we decide to impeach every politician
who lies to the American people. They'd be dropping like flies. I
forget how the chain of command works, but I think that after the
President and the Vice President, you have the Speaker of The House, and
then members of the cabinet, and on from there. It would take about two
months before a near-sighted postal clerk has the nuclear launch codes.
When the politicians who vote on impeachment tell us they will be
non-political, asking us to believe they will ignore the fact that Al
Gore could become president, do you think they are telling the truth?
And if they aren't, shouldn't we impeach them too?
Induhvidual Opinion #2 -- How Can Clinton Govern Now?
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I have this image in my head of Yasser Arafat visiting the White House.
Clinton offers him a Presidential cigar and Arafat says, "If you don't
mind, could I have one that is still in the original wrapper?" This
ugly incident turns into a towel fight and triggers World War Three.
That's the best scenario I could come up with in which the President's
ability to govern is affected by Zippergate.
I guess there's one other possibility. Suppose Congress passes some
legislation and it comes to Clinton's desk for signature, but Hillary
has broken both of his arms. That might slow him down. But he could
still grip a pen in his teeth and sign the bill into law. And if
Hillary punched out his teeth too, all you really needs is a bottle of
dipping ink and a cute intern to improvise a solution. It wouldn't be
the photo opportunity we're used to, but at this point, nothing seems
too shocking.
Let's say the President is less able to push his agenda in Congress now,
because no one wants to be his friend . I keep asking myself how my
life will be different, compared to the dynamic leadership we expect
from a second term minority party president. So far, I'm stumped.
Induhvidual Opinion #3 -- Any CEO would be fired
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The pundits keep saying that any CEO who has an affair with an employee
would be fired. But on my planet, Earth, CEOs routinely boff the staff,
literally and figuratively, and I know of no example where any CEO ever
got fired for anything except falling stock prices or accounting
irregularities. Who started the rumor that CEOs get fired for bedding
their underlings? Didn't Bill Gates marry one of his employees?
Induhvidual Opinion #4 -- You Can't Do That In The Military
- -----------------------------------------------------------
Pundits point out that the President would be kicked out of the military
for his behavior, if in fact he were in the military. We can extend
this brilliant analysis to see how he would be treated by other
organizations to which he does not belong.
For example, I also believe he would be kicked out of the Girl Scouts
for his behavior. That sort of activity is very disruptive to the
meetings. And I don't think you can participate in the Big Sister
program with that on your record either. I also believe he would be
fired as editor of Cigar Aficionado magazine if he worked there, which
he doesn't.
Induhvidual Opinion #5 -- We can't help thinking about it
- ---------------------------------------------------------
Some people say Clinton can't be effective because every time we look at
him we'll be grossed out thinking of his sex life. Personally, I
already have that problem with most politicians, not to mention many of
my friends, and my entire extended family. In fact, the only politician
I can imagine having sex, without wincing, is Al Gore, and that's only
because I assume he does it fully clothed.
Induhvidual Opinion # 6 -- Not In The Oval Office!
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Some people are incensed because the dirty deeds happened in the White
House. This implies that some other location wouldn't have been so bad.
So I'm wondering, where **is** the best place for the President to do
that sort of thing? Would a State Park be okay, or is that still
government land? How about the French Embassy? That's technically
foreign soil, and they probably have a cot in the back for just that
kind of situation.
Induhvidual Opinion #7 -- We Wasted 40 Million Dollars!
- -------------------------------------------------------
Sure, it was expensive, but I feel I got my money's worth. I figure my
share was about eighty cents, and I've been entertained for months.
Compare that to the seven bucks I paid to see the Godzilla movie and I
think you'll agree it's a bargain.
And consider the positive impact on the media. It was a slow news year.
If the media had gone one more week without an interesting story, they
would have had to kill another member of the British royal family just
to fill airtime. No one wants that.
Induhvidual Opinion #7 -- It's Sexual Harassment
- -------------------------------------------------
Some say that because Monica was a White House employee, and Clinton had
power to influence her career, it is sexual harassment by definition.
I suppose it's possible that Monica thought she would get a cabinet job
after her internship was over, or possibly become ambassador to Great
Britain. And I suppose it's possible that Monica was afraid of being
demoted from her lucrative intern job. So I guess that's the best point
I've heard so far.
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