[2436] in Humor
FOOD SPOILAGE TEST!
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Mikhail Khusid)
Tue Sep 1 13:16:25 1998
From: "Mikhail Khusid" <Mikhail_Khusid@notes.teradyne.com>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1998 13:13:08 -0400
Very relevant to our incoming freshmen -- be sure to distribute this mailing
among them :))))
---------------------- Forwarded by Mikhail Khusid/NNH/Teradyne on 09/01/98
01:11 PM ---------------------------
"JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com" <RateJoke@a.joke-of-the-day.com> on 09/01/98 12:31:43 AM
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TODAY's JOKE
September 1, 1998
====================
HOW TO TELL WHEN YOUR FOOD IS SPOILED
- submitted by Patricia Kunic
======================================
Whether you are a mom who cooks for many, a bachelor who
cooks on rare occasions for himself, or a new college
student who for the first time has his or her own refrigerator
-- you will eventually all open the fridge one day and say to
yourself,?Can I eat this or will it kill me?
Well here are some guidelines to help you get through the
crisis, so you will know what to eat and what to toss.
THE GAG TEST
------------
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for
leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
EGGS
----
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell,
the egg is probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS
---------------
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt
is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese.
Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look
like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled
milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is
already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is
blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.
MAYONNAISE
-----------
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the
mayonnaise is spoiled.
FROZEN FOODS
-------------
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the
defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will
probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time
you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
EXPIRATION DATES
----------------
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw
away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on
groceries.Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in
your kitchen.
MEAT
----
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals
from a three-block radius to congregate outside your
house, the meat is spoiled.
BREAD
-----
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially
acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of
any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green
growth areas are a good indication that your bread has
turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
FLOUR
-----
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
LETTUCE
-------
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the
bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine
lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid. (We didn't think
you needed guidance with this one)
CANNED GOODS
--------------
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a
softball should be disposed of. Carefully.
CARROTS
-------
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
RAISINS
--------
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
POTATOES
--------
If it looks like it is ready for planting, toss it.
CHIP DIP
--------
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on
the floor, it has gone bad.
EMPTY CONTAINERS
-----------------
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an
old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or
have a maid.
UNMARKED ITEMS:
--------------
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to
discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally
speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you
open them.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
-----------------------
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life
span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your
refrigerator to gauge this.
-----------------------------------------
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