[2338] in Humor
Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony"
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Jim?@MIT.EDU)
Thu Jun 11 15:42:30 1998
Date: Thu, 11 Jun 1998 15:34:58 -0500
To: humor@MIT.EDU
From: Jim?@MIT.EDU
A managed care company president was given a ticket for a performance of
Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony." Since he was unable to go, he passed the
invitation to one of his managed care reviewers. The next morning, the
president asked the reviewer how he had enjoyed it, and he was handed a
memorandum, which read as follows:
MEMORANDUM
1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their
number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra,
thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.
2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems
unnecessary duplication, and the staff in this section should be
drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is required, this could be
obtained through use of an amplifier.
3. Much effort was involved in playing the 16th notes. This seems an
excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be
rounded up to the nearest 8th note. If this were done, it would be
possible to use paraprofessionals instead of experienced musicians.
4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that
has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages
were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty
minutes.
5. This symphony has two movements. If Schubert did not achieve his
musical goals by the end of the first movement, then he should have stopped
there. The second movement is unnecessary and should be cut.
In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given
attention to these matters, his symphony would probably have been finished
by now.
