[2290] in Humor
HUMOR: Merger News
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Mon May 4 20:24:24 1998
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 04 May 1998 20:18:00 EDT
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
NEW YORK, April 20 (AP) -- In a move that rocked the Street today, Bert
and Ernie announced that they had merged to form Bernie,a giant conglomeration
of felt that will move them into the No. 2 spot, past Big Bird and just
behind Barney. In recent years the two had lost sponsorship from the
letter P and the number 5, and analysts say the merger will help solidify their
market share. "This is a logical move for us," Bert said. "'Share' is our
favorite word."
CONCORD, N.H., May 14 (Reuters) -- Continuing the wave of consolidation
that saw Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia join to form Nationsouth,
Vermont and New Hampshire signed a deal today that will combine the two
into one
state with the motto "Live Free or Whatever." The deal involves a stock
swap in which cows from Vermont and chickens from New Hampshire will be
exchanged 1-for-1.
BANGOR, Me., Aug. 22 (Bloomberg) -- Stephen King announced today that he
had acquired Joyce Carol Oates in a deal that will allow him to increase
production by as much as 125 percent, boosting his output to at least one
novel a month.
The new author, who will do business as Stephen, Joyce, King, Carol and
Oates, will be one of the most violent and critically acclaimed novelists
working today. Though Mr. King sells more books than Ms. Oates, analysts
say the aquisition of the respected writer will help him make inroads into
new markets, like college literature classes.
"It's a win-win situation," Mr. King said in an exclusive interview with
The New York Daily Newsday Times. "Joyce has the prestige I've been
looking for and is one of the few writers who can keep up with my production
schedule."
An earlier deal in which Mr. King had hoped to buy Upjohn Inc. fell
through when Mr. King was informed that the company was not John Updike.
WASHINGTON, Oct. 3 (UPI) -- In a deal that resonated in homes across the
country, Cats announced today that it had completed a hostile takeover of
Dogs. The new company, which Cats said will be called OnePet, will
supplant the recently created Birdfishgroup as the world's largest supplier
of home companion services.
PARIS, Nov. 14 (Agence France-Presse) -- In what is thought to be the
biggest merger of all time, Men and Women have agreed to join forces into
one sex, to be called Humanicorp. The details of the arrangement are still
being hammered out, but early negotiations have Men taking breasts. Women
have agreed in principle to watch ESPN but have refused to give up
self-respect. There are also serious antitrust issues that will need to be
resolved. A spokesman for Men, Bob, said that Men had been trying for
years to merge with Women and that this was the culmination of a long-held
dream
for them. Women were unavailable for comment.
ROME, May 30, 2305 (Religious News Service) -- After several eons of
discord and competition for the souls of Humanicorp, God and Satan have
decided to merge in a deal that will join heaven and hell. "Some say I've
made a deal with the devil," said God, who appeared simultaneously on CNN,
Fox News, the major networks and all radios and personal computers, as
well as in the sky. "But I prefer to think of this as two former
adversaries setting aside differences for the good of consumers." Those
close to the delicate negotiations said that God would be chairman of the
combined company and that Satan would hold the post of president. Merger
talks broke off several centuries ago, in part because the executives
could not reach an agreement on who would run a combined company. Reminded of
his famous rebuff of God at that time, "Better to reign in hell than serve in
heaven," Satan joked, "I take it back." Satan's old organization, whose
name is Legion, does not plan any layoffs.
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The most promising words ever written on the maps of human knowledge are
Terra Incognita -- unknown territory . . . . -Daniel J.Boorstin
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Merlyn Liberty
The Wingspread Collector's Guide Online
"The Hub for New Mexico Art on the Web"
WWW: http://www.collectorsguide.com/ E-mail: merlyn@swcp.com
Snail: PO Box 13566, Albuquerque, New Mexico 87192
Phone: 505-292-7537 800-873-4278 505-293-5511 (Fax)
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