[2261] in Humor
Titanic
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Brad Thompson)
Thu Apr 9 21:18:02 1998
From: Brad Thompson <yak@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 09 Apr 1998 21:05:31 EDT
(author unknown)
TITANIC
---------
(Scene 1)
KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?
KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you
asked for. It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will
amount to nothing.
KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because
they know these priceless paintings will sink with the boat.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you
have seen the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You
are very pretty.
KATE: I know. So are you.
LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put
on my "brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back
again and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be
soaking wet.
KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing
here and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested
until the boat sinks and people start dying.
WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even
though you saved my fiancee's life. I am going to sneer at you and
treat you like dirt because you're poor, and then I'll probably be
physically abusive to my fiancee, and then, just to make sure the
audience really hates me, and to make sure my character is entirely
one-dimensional, perhaps I'll throw an elderly person into the water.
AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at
least a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours,
and plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so
therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo
who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you,
even though he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!)
***
(Scene 2)
LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could
cheat on your fiance.
KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a
commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot
climb into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together.
The fact that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the
cattle-like audience forgive me of this, though they would probably be
VERY angry indeed if my fiance were to do the same thing to me.
AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!
LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so
of course you have to take off your clothes.
KATE:But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be
at all successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not
stand for that sort of thing?
LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three
weeks the film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater
in Provo will sell out.
NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is
exactly what happened.
KATE: All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor)
***
(Scene 3)
FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.
CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of
drinking)
ICEBERG: (hits boat)
FIRST MATE: That can't be good.
CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!
AUDIENCE: (silence)
FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.
AUDIENCE: Baa! Moo! Where's Leonardo?
***
(Scene 4)
LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking
KATE: That is terrible
LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more
immoral-but-justified behavior?
KATE: Certainly.
WEASELLY FIANCE: (aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal
here: (to Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my
morally-dubious-yet-somehow-less-annoying-than-you personality,
I am going to handcuff you to this pipe, here in a room that will soon
be filling with water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I
believe has been mentioned previously.
LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me?
WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape
and save Kate from me. Of course, you're going to die anyway-
AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo!
LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed.
AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.
WEASELLY FIANCE: I hate you people.
