[2252] in Humor
fwd
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Yelya)
Thu Apr 2 20:54:44 1998
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 02 Apr 1998 20:47:03 EST
From: Yelya <yelya@MIT.EDU>
------- Forwarded Message
Date: Thu, 2 Apr 1998 17:06:28 -0800 (PST)
From: Eugenia Romanovsky <sinitsa@uclink.berkeley.edu>
To: tusovochka@uclink.berkeley.edu
Subject: Work at GAP!
This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca
College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who
is
also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but
has never had the courage. Finally, one day over the summer, he
sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She
accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.
Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and
drinks
like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad
shape
that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either
puking
or shitting. After several hours of this, he is able to stop
puking, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes to
shit. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he
won't ever talk to her again.
So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City
(about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he
excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They
enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has
to go back again during the entrees. They decide to get dessert.
During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want
to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a
few
minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas
stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right
there
at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little
bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh shit," he
thinks
(and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our
hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from
sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the
rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan
pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the
outside.
He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by
the way, he is walking like a cowboy. On the way to the train
station, they pass the Gap.
"Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at
last week?" he asks.
"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies.
They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are
on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up.
Our
hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to
the
khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his
current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes
are
on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure
that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want
the
sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date
can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants."
"What?" asks the Gap girl.
"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.)
Gap girl: "Oh, OK."
He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave
the store.
They board the train just before it leaves the station and find
two
seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero
excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car.
He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips
off
his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws
them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap
bag and pulls out...just the sweater.
****PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU WOULD DO IN THIS
SITUATION.****
As you must have realized, the only solution is to wear the
sweater
as pants. So he squeezes his legs into the arms of the sweater
and
pulls the rest of the fabric tight around his waist. He can only
keep himself covered by hunching over. Walking will be a new
challenge altogether.
Rather than going through the absolute trauma of returning to his
seat and explaining (or creating an elaborate lie to explain) the
entire incident, our hero waits in the bathroom until the train
stops at the next station. He waits until the moment the train
starts to pull away from the station, then dashes out of the
bathroom (as quickly as a hunched over cowboy with sweater pants
can dash) and jumps off the train. He is lost and stranded
somewhere between New York City and Westchester.
He hasn't seen the girl since.
------- End of Forwarded Message
