[2232] in Humor
HUMOR: God Investigated
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Joseph Sokol-Margolis)
Mon Feb 9 19:59:49 1998
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 09 Feb 1998 19:55:11 EST
From: Joseph Sokol-Margolis <seph@MIT.EDU>
not sure where it came from...
------- Forwarded Message
Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had
had an affair with a former worshiper. The scandal was begun when a
21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth
to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.
Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time",
that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that
she was "thrilled to have had his child."
In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying
that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of this story
will come out in time, verily".
Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the
Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of
whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had
illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three
foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men". Beelzebub has issued
subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-
betweens in the affair. Critics have pointed out that these allegations
have little to do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed
to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to
cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months, Beelzebub's
investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding
the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the
last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of
Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention away from a scandal
involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised
County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political
contributions.
If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to
God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral
standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God
recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10
"Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by
Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any
provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU
are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an
unconstitutional restriction on free speech.
------- End of Forwarded Message
