[2198] in Humor
HUMOR: Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Sharalee M. Field)
Wed Dec 3 11:37:52 1997
Date: Wed, 03 Dec 1997 11:21:36 -0500
To: humor@MIT.EDU, mowu@MIT.EDU, wheger@wbc-architects.com,
Kris_Kelly@notes.pw.com, dunbar@MIT.EDU, dahv@MIT.EDU, jsquill@MIT.EDU,
mtsai@bqa.com, immer@MIT.EDU, jack.gingras@ae.ge.com,
tlawlor@palmerdodge.com, celia_kent@harvard.edu,
Maryellen Fitzgibbon <mfitzgib@fas.harvard.edu>, s_donovan@harvard.edu,
leite@fas.harvard.edu, scrowley@MIT.EDU,
"Callahan, Mary R" <mcallahan@MITSIS.MIT.EDU>, seg@MIT.EDU
From: "Sharalee M. Field" <sharalee_field@harvard.edu>
Quickly becoming a traditional holiday favorite on the humor list...
Cheers,
Pug
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>Date: Wed, 3 Dec 1997 10:13:48 -0500 (EST)
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>Subject: Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar
>
>Very twisted. I liked it.
>
>Ciao, Mary
>
>____________________
>Dec. 1
>Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray-paint gold, turn upside down
>and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
>
>Dec. 2
>Have Morman Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering
>machine.
>
>Dec. 3
>Using candlewick and hand-gilded pine cones, fashion cat-o'-nine-tails. Flog
>gardener.
>
>Dec. 4
>Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives, so that
>they're all ready to be mailed at the moment death occurs.
>
>Dec. 5
>Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
>
>Dec. 6
>Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
>
>Dec. 7
>Debug Windows 97.
>
>Dec. 10
>Finish needlepoint colostomy bag cozy.
>
>Dec. 11
>Buy some cockroaches from the less fortunate; decorate eggs.
>
>Dec. 12
>Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault. Remove air, replace
>with nitrogen.
>
>Dec. 13
>Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters,
>particularly for decorative pie crusts.
>
>Dec. 14
>Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
>
>Dec. 15
>Replace air in minivan tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are
>shot out at the mall.
>
>Dec. 17
>Childproof the Christmas tree with garlands of razor wire.
>
>Dec. 19
>Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height
>when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
>
>Dec. 20
>Dip sheep and cows in egg white and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a
>festive sparkle to the pasture.
>
>Dec. 21
>Outfit neighborhood rats with tiny antlers.
>
>Dec. 22
>Float votive candles in toilet tank.
>
>Dec. 23
>Seed clouds for White Christmas.
>
>Dec. 24
>Do my annual good deed: Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last-minute
>Christmas shopping, thus making people feel less inadequate than they really
>are.
>
>Dec. 25
>Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade
>potpourri.
>
>Dec. 26
>Write and mail Christmas thank-yous. Order cards for next Christmas.
>Estimate number of cards needed by allowing for making new friends and
>actuarially appropriate death rates for current friends and relatives.
>
>Dec. 27
>Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
>
>Dec. 29
>Enter Style Invitational; win.
>
>Dec. 31
>New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions.
>
>Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in
>that country.
>
>Jan. 1 1998
>Catch up on gardening. Sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for 1998.
>
>Jan. 3
>Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
>
>Jan. 5
>Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon
>sticks.
>
>Jan. 7
>Lay Faberge egg.
>
>Jan. 8
>Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl's shoe inserts into heat
>pump.
>
>Jan. 10
>Make steel wool from mussel beards saved over the years.
>
>Jan. 13
>Spin silk cord to garrotte squid; fill fountain pen with the ink and
>hand-write staff their dismissal notes.
>
>Jan. 15
>MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is.
>
>Jan. 16
>Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
>
>Jan. 20
>Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
>
>Jan. 21
>Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.
>
>Jan. 23
>Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
>
>Jan. 25
>Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal personal address
>books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of all the people you do not
>know.
>
>Jan. 26
>Review the Christmas '96 show and try to understand why Julia Child is much
>beloved even though her croquembouche was very much askew.
>
>Jan. 28
>Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.
>
>Jan. 31
>Gild lilies.
>
>
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