[2160] in Humor
HUMOR: Driving in Puerto Rico
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Victor P Morales)
Thu Sep 25 07:45:57 1997
From: Victor P Morales <vicmoral@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 25 Sep 1997 07:37:54 EDT
You know, except for the driver greeting, this is pretty much an
accurate description of Boston driving too ;)
-v-
------- Forwarded Message
Date: Thu, 25 Sep 1997 02:29:00 -0300
From: Psychosomatic <lococarr@MIT.EDU>
>>If you're ever in the need to drive on the streets of Puerto Rico the
>>following rules may help you get to your destination in one piece.
>>
>>On Starting your Car.
>>-------------------------------
>>Implore your Higher Power and ask for divine intervention in
>>protecting you against the perils of the Puerto Rican streets. Be
>>careful with the confident reverse driver. This type of driver is
>>famous for backing his/her car with a complete disregard of whatever
>>is on its path. If you encounter one of these drivers then you are
>>just in time to practice the Puerto Rican driver greeting.
>>
>>The Puerto Rican Driver Greeting
>>----------------------------------------
>>When greeting a Puerto Rican driver, slowly lower your window and be
>>prepared to greet the driver with: "Tu madre, pendejo". However, if
>>you have been already addressed by a fellow driver, reply with a
>>joyful "La tuya, cabron".
>>
>>On Turn signals
>>--------------------
>>If a driver in another lane turns on the turn signal, do not let him
>>go into your lane. In fact, press the accelerator and start driving
>>right next to him/her. The fellow driver will probably greet you and
>>you already know what to do.
>>
>>On Traffic Lights
>>--------------------
>>These amusing artifacts hang from intersections for no apparent
>>reason. Sometimes you will see drivers stop to see the colors change
>>on these lights (a fascinating experience). Government officials
>>(specifically police) believe that each color stands for an
>>instruction for drivers to follow. From pure observation I have
>>determined the following instructions for each color:
>>Yellow light: accelerate your car as much as possible.
>>Red light: this light gives permission to the next five to six
>>cars to go through.
>>Green: reduce speed and wait for the five to six cars passing
>>through their respective red lights.
>>
>>Little-known-fact: Time to start honking your horn, as soon as the
>>light turns green: 1.5 seconds.
>>
>>On Changing Lanes
>>-----------------------
>>Changing lanes has been elevated to an art form in Puerto Rico. First
>>of all, no matter what you do, never turn on your turn signal if you
>>do so, you'll stimulate the reaction described above. Second,
>>swerve your car uncontrollably to the lane you want to change,
>>preferrably if you end up within inches of a car in that lane. At
>>this point a greeting from the other driver may be in order. To
>>perfect your change of lanes, reduce the speed of your car
>>dramatically in a matter of seconds and you will see an action packed
>>reaction from the car behind >you.
>>
>>On Traffic Jams
>>--------------------
>>Traffic Jams are teeming will fun filled activities such as:
>>1. Honking your horn rythmically.
>>2. Put on make-up (usually female drivers only)
>>3. Nose-pickers sightseeing. (not to be confused with people who
>> scratch their brains through their nose)
>>4. Reduce speed to watch whatever is causing the traffic jam. Add
>> excitement by trying to see if you know the parties involved.
>> (note: every Puerto Rican driver is obliged to do this)
>>5. Lose weight by sweating like a pig as a result of a lack of air
>> conditioning.
>>6. Greet other drivers.
>>7. Practice lane changing.
>>8. Play the game: Let's see how close I can get to you before
>> rear-ending you.
>>
>>On Pedestrians
>>------------------
>>These individuals are an annoyance to the Puerto Rican driver. If
>>you see pedestrians on your way, accelerate your car to let them know
>>who's the boss. If you are at an intersection, let the pedestrians
>>know you want to proceed by flinging your car at them.
>>
>>On Social Situations
>>------------------------
>>Bumping into a friend while driving is a joyful occasion. Drivers
>>should reduce speed and stop their cars in the middle of the street
>>and chit chat. What about other drivers? Well, they can wait.
>>
>>On Higway Driving
>>------------------------
>>Bottleneck Formation: To accomplish this type of driving, cars must
>>block all lanes by driving at the same speed and side by side (to
>>
>>avoid letting other cars pass). It is important to drive at a speed at
>>least 20 mph below the speed limit.
>>
>>The Police Alert Network: If you see a cop while driving through the
>>highway you must advise other drivers about the cop's proximity by
>>flashing your head lights even during the day. By doing, this you
>>help speeding cars and potential escaped convicts avoid an unpleasant
>>situation.
>>
>>The Three-Lane-Change : This movement requires a lot of precision
>>and creativity. It should be done around the highest number of cars
>>possible and in a matter of seconds to create what others may refer
>>to as widespread panic.
>>
>>On Highway Tolls
>>---------------------
>>There are simple etiquette rules on how to behave at a Puerto Rican
>>toll booth. First, If you don't have enough change or only have
>>dollar bills, go to the EXACT CHANGE lane. This will give you the
>>opportunity to get out of your car and look for change at another
>>toll booth while other drivers greet you. Second, practice your
>>hoops by throwing the coins as far as possible. You will get extra
>>points if one of them doesn't get in. Third, if there is a traffic
>>jam to get through the tolls try changing lanes, other drivers will
>>really appreciate you cutting in front of them. Finally, wait until
>>the last moment possible to get the change required for the toll,
>>preferably, wait until it's your turn.
------- End of Forwarded Message
