[2127] in Humor
Misc. Humor
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Thu Jul 3 18:45:30 1997
From: <abennett@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 03 Jul 1997 18:41:01 EDT
From: "Mark A. Herschberg" <hershey@MIT.EDU>
Date: 3 Jul 97 09:29:00 -0500
Hello all,
here is the list of semi-clean jokes I have collected over the last
2 weeks. Please skip any of the ones you may have sent me. Have a happy
holiday!
P.S. Please let me know if you'd rather not be on my semi-clean list,
if you want to be added to the semi-offensive list, or you know anyone
that might want to be added to either.
============================================================================
Title: Central Law Courts
Joke:
A man is in the dock, the Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are
accused of killing you wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how
do you plead?"
"Guilty", said the man in the dock.
At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You
dirty rat!".
The Judge asked the man to sit down and to refrain from making any
noise.
The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are
accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how
do you plead".
"Guilty", said the man in the dock.
Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted "You dirty rotten
stinking rat".
At this point the Judge called the man to the Bench and said "I have
already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I
will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your
feelings, but please tell me what relationship have you to the man in
the dock".
He replied "He is my next door neighbour".
The Judge replied "I can understand your feelings then, but you must
refrain from any comments".
The man replied "No, your Honour, you don't understand. Twice I have
asked if I could borrow a hammer, and on both occasions he said he
didn't have one".
==============================================================================
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out
and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she
opens the door and finds him in the arms of a brunette. Well, the
blond is angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so
she is over come with grief. She takes the gun and points to her head.
The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies
"Shut up, you're next."
==============================================================================
Subject: You might be a generation X-er if......
This is so accurate that it is frightening!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You might be a Generation X-er if...
..you wore anything Izod, especially those windbreakers that
folded up into a pouch you could wear around your waist.
..you owned a Jordache pocket book (or several of them), or you
remember when Jordache jeans were cool.
..in your 5th grade class picture, you're wearing an Izod shirt
with the collar up.
..you remember the days when cocaine was just fine in powder
form, thankyouverymuch.
..you were afraid of the Sleestaks on "Land of the Lost".
..you know, by heart, the words to any "Weird" Al Yankovic
song.
..the Brady Bunch movies brought back cool memories.
..you remember the first time "Space: Above and Beyond" aired -
it was called "Battlestar Galactica".
..you ever rang someone's doorbell and said "Landshark".
..songs by Debbie Gibson still haunt you to this day.
..three words: "Atari" "IntelliVision" and "Coleco". Sound
familiar?
..you remember the days when "safe sex" meant "my parents are
gone for the weekend."
..one of the top five questions you've always wanted answered
was to Robert Smith of the Cure - "What WAS that head on the door
thing anyway?"
..you remember the days that hooking your computer into your
television wasn't an expensive option that required gadgets - it was
the ONLY WAY to use your computer!
..you were shocked and horrified at the Challenger explosion (which
you were probably watching in school at the time), and yet, when
someone mentions the name "JFK", the first thing you think of is
"Oliver Stone."
..you remember "Friday Night Videos" before the days of MTV.
..you watched HR Puffenstuff as a child, but now that you're older,
you really understand that it would have been much better had you
known about drugs at the time.
..you ever owned a pair of "Pop-Wheels" - that handy little
combination of shoe and roller skate that lasted about a year on the
open market.
..the predominant color in your childhood photos is "plaid".
..you see teenagers today wearing clothes that show up in those
childhood photos, and they still look bad.
1..while in high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate
plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999"
by Prince over and over again.
..you remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really
was.
..you, yes you, sat down and memorized the entire lyric sheet to "It's
the end of the world as we know it" by REM.
..you took family trips BEFORE the invention of the mini-van. You
rode in the back of the station wagon and faced the cars behind you.
..you've ever conversationally used the phrase "Jane, you ignorant. .
.".
..you've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the
following phases:
"When I was younger"
"When I was your age"
"You know, back when..."
"Just can't (fill in the blank) like I used to"
"What the HELL is this noise on the radio?"
.Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the
English language.
..you're ready to marry the next person who cards you when you want to
buy alcohol.
..flashback: it was your first chance to vote in a presidential
election, and you were SO disappointed because, just for laughs, you
really wanted to vote for Gary Hart.
..you ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran
Duran, Madonna or Cyndi Lauper video.
..the first time you ever kissed someone at a dance came during "Crazy
for You" by Madonna.
..there were at least three people in your school that voluntarily
went by the names of "Skip" "Buffy" "Muffy" or "Dexter".
..you remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the
streets and made your old Big Wheel quite obsolete.
..the phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with
laughter.
..you used to hold in your head the thought that all those gold chains
on Mr. T actually looked kinda cool and the thought that Mr. T made
millions seemed rational to you at the time.
..you honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could
ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.
..you were convinced for years that Batman was a mildly overweight man
with a moderate beer belly who wore his underwear outside of his
clothes and talked strangely.
..(guys) your first dream girl was Jeannie, Marcia Brady, Samantha
from "Bewitched" or, for those hardcore cartoon fans out there, Daphne
from Scooby Doo, Josie or any one of her Pussycats.
..(girls) you thought Sean Cassidy was "dreamy", lusted after "Ted,
your ship's photographer" on "The Love Boat", Chachi from "Happy
Days", or, to keep it fair, thought Fred was just a hunk on Scooby Doo.
..you freaked out when you found that you now fall into the "26 - 50"
age category on most questionnaires.
...your hair, at some point in time in the 80's, became something
which can only be described by the phrase "I was experimenting."
..this timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life:
Star Wars opens, you are still in single digit ages, and you think the
creatures are WAY cool. Empire Strikes Back opens, you are now in
early double digit ages, and you are convinced that the special
effects are much better, the characters are cool, and you want one of
every collectible out there. Return of the Jedi hits the
theaters...you are now a teenager, and you cannot get your eyes off
Princess Leia's bikini or Han Solo's butt. You fantasize forever and
ever about it, and send off to join every fan club for them on the
planet, hanging posters, photos, and "teen"-type magazine spreads all
over your walls and lockers at school.
..you've ever shopped at a Banana Republic or Benetton, but not in the
last five years, okay?
..you're starting to believe (now that it wouldn't affect YOU) that
maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad
idea after all.
..you're doing absolutely nothing with anything pertaining to your
major.
..going to keg parties no longer involves hiding out in the woods when
the cops show up.
..you won't walk into the place where you once knew every bartender on
a first name basis because "there's too many kids there."
..you ever wanted to be "gagged with a spoon".
..U2 is too "popular" and "mainstream" for you now.
..you remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the
first scene.
..you remember when the phrase "candy is dandy, but sex won't rot your
teeth" started getting followed by "yeah, but M&M's won't give you
AIDS..."
..you spent endless nights dreaming about being the Bionic Woman or
Wonder Woman or the Six Million Dollar Man.
..you had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding (on General
Hospital).
..you remember "Hey, let's be careful out there".
..you're parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided
it was pointless, since Quincy got all the babes, anyway.
..you know who shot J.R.
..this rings a bell: "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me."
..you ever wanted to learn to play "Stairway to Heaven" on the
guitar.
..you were unsure if Diet Coke would ever catch on, after all, look at
Tab.
..you know all the words to the double album set of Grease.
..you ever had a Dorothy Hammill haircut.
..you sat with your friends on a Friday night and dialed
"8-6-7-5-3-0-9" to see if Jenny would answer.
.."All-skate, change directions" means something to you.
..you owned a pair of Rainbow suspenders just like Mork used to wear.
..you bought a pair of Vanns and wanted to order a pizza in history
class so you could be just like Jeff Spicoli in "Fast Times as
Ridgemont High".
..you owned The Preppy Handbook.
..you're starting to believe that maybe 30 isn't so old after all, and
it's those people over 40 you have to look out for.
..you have begun to lust after women (or men) that it would be
socially inappropriate for you to date due to their age.
..you're starting to think that Corvettes really look good, and aren't
REALLY for guy's going through a mid-life crisis and worried about
their penis. That's not YOU.
..kids that work in restaurants and supermarkets are starting to piss
you off by calling you "sir" or "ma'am".
..you've recently horrified yourself by groaning as you get out of
bed, not because of a hangover, but because it genuinely just hurt to
do so.
..you ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation.
..when somone mentions two consecutive days of the week, the Happy
Days theme is stuck in your head for hours on end.
..you ever used the phrase "don't make me angry...you wouldn't LIKE me
when I'm angry" when trying to frighten someone off.
..you were too young to go see the Blue Lagoon so you just had to
settle for second hand reports from your older brother.
..you remember when there was only "G, PG and R", and none of this
PG-13 crap.
..you learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still
carry the emotional scars to this day.
.you ever had nightmares about the giant red evil robot Maximillian
from the Disney movie "The Black Hole" and those blender attachments
he had for hands.
.."Wonder twin powers, activate . . . form of an iceberg. . . shape of
a hammer".
..you remember when your cable TV box had the three rows of numbers
and you had to move the selector switch accordingly.
..you ever actually tried to turn on a jukebox by hitting it twice and
saying "Heeey".
==============================================================================
The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the
house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle
and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding
the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle
dumped onto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her
husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying
next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone
and summoned an ambulance.
Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the
several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics
to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital,
the wife picked up the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing
that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels,
blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home.
After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the
damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the
bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing
the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl
while still seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband
screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on
the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on
the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to
the phone and called for an ambulance.
The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the
street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began
carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to
the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the
wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the
paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher
and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke
his ankle.
=============================================================================
Okay, here's some Steven Wright jokes. They work better if you read
them in his voice....dead pan style...no emotion...
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in
time.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always
room-temperature.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
You can't have everything...where would you put it?
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" So I
ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full
house and four people died.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think
I've forgotten this before.
------------------------------------
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the
guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're
open 24 hours" He said, "Yes, but not in a row"
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if
they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then
they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium"
[Note: My dad has an extra medium hat he bought at K-Mart. It had a made
in Taiwan tag in it. - Drew]
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy
them again.
While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment and
replaced it with an exact replica. When I told my roommate, he said,
"Do I know you?
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are
furious!
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I
got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out"
On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the rooms above so
I never have to go upstairs.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
near the place.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But
leave a message and I'll call when I'm out"
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do
you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" I said, "Yes,
officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long"
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said,
"Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe
everything I read"
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now
when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and
farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go"
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honor.
Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if
I'm leaving.
=============================================================================
A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The busdriver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an
aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her
what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and
shouldn't say things to insult passengers.
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him
a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
=============================================================================
Bart Starr wanted to build a new house. He was trying to decide where to
build it. He decided to build it next to Soldier's Field. When the Press
found out, they asked him WHY ON EARTH he would build it next to Soldier's
Field,
He said "I wanted to get as far from professional football as I could"
=============================================================================
Three nurses died and went to Heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates
by St. Peter. To the first, he asked, "So, what did you used to do back on
Earth? Why do you think you should be allowed to come into Heaven?" "I was
a nurse at an inner city hospital," she replied. "I worked to bring healing
and peace to many sufferers, especially poor, helpless children." "Very
noble," said St. Peter. "You may enter." And in through the Gates she went.
To the next, he asked the same question, "So, what did you used to do?" "I
was a nurse at a missionary hospital in the Amazon basin," she replied. "For
many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to
reach out to as many people across numerous tribes, with a hand of healing
and peace, and with the message about God's love." "How touching," said St.
Peter. "You, too, may enter." And in she went. He then came to the last
nurse, to whom he asked, "So, what did you used to do back on Earth?" After
some hesitation, she explained, "I was a nurse at an HMO." St. Peter
pondered this for a moment, and then said, "Ok, you may enter, too." "Whew!"
said the nurse. "For a moment there, I thought you weren't going to let me
in." "Oh, you can come in," said St. Peter, "but you can only stay for three
days!"
=============================================================================
Jack was a COBOL programmer in the mid-to late 1990s. For years he was
treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX programmers and
web site developers, but now Jack was finally getting some respect.
He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000
conversions. He was working short-term assignments for prestige
companies, traveling all over the world on different assignments. He
was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks.
Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll
on Jack. He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams
about the Year 2000. It had reached a point where even the thought of
the year 2000 made him nearly violent and now all he could think about
was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.
Jack contacted a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a
deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. This was a very
expensive process but totally automated. He was thrilled. The next
thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the phony
New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day.
Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.
He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the
revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare
minimum, and that was that.
The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room
filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe
it!" and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!". There were cameras
(unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out
of a science fiction movie. Someone who was obviously a spokesperson
for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm.
"It is over?" he asked. "Is 2000 already here? Are all the millennial
parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?"
The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the
programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't
been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later,
not the year 2000. But the spokesman told Jack that he shouldn't get
excited; someone important wanted to speak to him.
Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man
that looked very much like Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister of
Earth. He told Jack not to be upset. That this was a wonderful time to
be alive. That there was world peace and no more starvation. That the
space program had been reinstated and there were colonies on the moon
and on Mars. That technology had advanced to such a degree that
everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact
anyone else on the planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to hear
any music recorded anywhere.
"That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody
so interested in me?"
"Well," said the Prime Minister. "The year 10000 is just around the
corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL".
=============================================================================
Sam and Susan were invited to a costume party. Susan went out and
rented costumes for the both of them. However, when the time came for
the party, Susan wasn't feeling well and Sam went on alone.
A few hours later, Susan began to feel better and decided to go on to
the party. She realized that while she knew Sam was in a gorilla suit,
he had never seen her costume, and decided to go and see what he got up
to while he was alone.
She arrived and observed him dancing closely with a series of beautiful
women. She approached him and began flirting, and soon they were
taking a walk in the woods alone. They then undressed in the darkness
and had sex.
She got home before her husband and when he arrived, she was in bed.
She asked him, "How was the party?"
He replied "Oh, the usual - you know I never have much fun at these
things alone."
"Didn't you even dance?", she asked.
"No, I sat in the den all night playing cards.The guy I lent my
costume to had a ball, though..."
***********************************************
8 Short Jokes For All You Replublicans...
***********************************************
**********
JOKE #1:
**********
Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The
umpire walks up to the VIP section and yells something, and suddenly
Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the side and
onto the field. The stunned umpire shouted, "No, Mr. President! I said,
'Throw the first PITCH!'"
**********
JOKE #2:
**********
Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's
special is chicken almondine and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds good;
I'll have that," Hillary says.
The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.
"Oh, He'll have the fish," Hillary replies.
**********
JOKE #3:
**********
Q. Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?
A. The nation.
**********
JOKE #4:
**********
Q. What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a dishonest
lawyer?
A. Chelsea Clinton.
**********
JOKE #5:
**********
Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after having Sex?
A."Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
**********
JOKE #6:
**********
Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the steps of
Air Force One with two pigs under his arms. At the bottom of the steps,
the honor guardsman steps forward and remarks, "Nice pigs, Mr.
President".
Clinton replies, "I'll have to let you know that these are genuine
Arkansas Razor Back Hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and this one for
Hillary. So, now what do you think?"
The honor guardsman answers: "Nice trade, Sir."
**********
JOKE #7:
**********
One day, Clinton called the White House interior decorator into the Oval
Office. He was very furious and said, "Chelsea is very upset because she
thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want
something done about it immediately!"
Yes Sir, Mr. President," the interior decorator replies. "I'll take
those mirrors out right away!"
**********
JOKE #8:
**********
During the last Presidential campaign, Dole was asked the presidential
underwear question: boxers or briefs?
After a moment's reflection, he answered, "Depends....."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A passenger plane on a cross the country trip runs into a terrible
storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightening. The
passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and
they are all going to die.
At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and
exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like
an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die
feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel
like a woman?" She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man
starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his
shirt. She can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the
plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can
make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?"
She shakes her head yes.
As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here. Iron this."
