[2125] in Humor
HUMOR: A list of nevers
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Fri Jun 27 10:09:07 1997
From: <abennett@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Fri, 27 Jun 1997 10:04:31 EDT
Date: Mon, 23 Jun 1997 00:14:24 -0700
From: Connie Kleinjans <connie@interserve.com>
From: Auriel Kollmann <AKOLLMAN@wyse.com>
Jokes: A List of Nevers
Daily Humor:
A list of nevers:
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and
heavier. -Anonymous
Never accept a drink from a urologist. -Erma Bombeck
Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother
to hear at your trial. -Sydney Biddle Barrows, the "Mayflower Madam"
Never say "Oops" in the operating room. - Dr. Leo Troy
Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or
"size" with "rear end". Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
-Tim Allen
Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying
for the job of umpire. -Dan Zevin
Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. -Harry S. Truman
Never thrust your sickle into another's corn. -Publius Syrus
Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local
sheriff's drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap. -Anonymous member
of a chain gang
Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys
them very much. -G.K. Chesterton
Never use while sleeping. -Instruction on Conair hair dryer
Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end
to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's
always gonna be me!" -Rita Rudner
Never murder a man when he's busy committing suicide. -Woodrow Wilson
Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in
the room. -Winston Churchill
Never stand between a dog and the hydrant. -John Peers
Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants. -Geraldo
Rivera
Never give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts.
-Ruth Gordon
Never pick a fight with anyone who buys ink by the barrel. -American
adage about antagonizing newspaper editors.
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Jokes: Some interesting facts......
Amazing things that people have actually researched or pondered:
Barbie's measurements (if she were life-size): 39-23-33
Coca-cola was originally green
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury
Smartest dogs: 1)border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever
Dumbest dog: 1)afghan
There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of
the year
Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles PER YEAR
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs
Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better
State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28
Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38
Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches
Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90
Percentage of mammal species that are: 3 (tigers being one)
Only first lady to carry a loaded revolver: Eleanor Roosevelt
Only president to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy, for "Profiles in
Courage"
Only president awarded a patent: Abe Lincoln, for a system of
buoying vessels over shoals
President who discovered a new proof for The Pythagorean Theorem:
Jimmy Carter
Only food that does not spoil: honey
Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird
An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it
In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees
Polar bears are left-handed
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair
The youngest pope was 11 years old
Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school
Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses
Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets combined
The parachute was invented by Leonardo da Vinci in 1515
They have square watermelons in Japan ... they stack better
