[2087] in Humor
HUOR: Resume tips
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Tue May 27 09:44:24 1997
From: <abennett@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 27 May 1997 09:38:10 EDT
Date: Mon, 26 May 1997 20:48:31 -0700
From: Connie Kleinjans <connie@interserve.com>
From: Paul Farley <72253.3153@CompuServe.COM>
From: Mark Salser, INTERNET:mark@halcyon.org
I'd never make a misteak like these:
These are from actual resumes:
"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription
drugs.
"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know
of my immediate availability."
"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I
can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."
"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost
money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have
never quit a job."
"Number of dependents: 40."
"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."
RESUME BLOOPERS
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.
Couldn't work under those conditions."
REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:
"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as
cockroaches."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous
employers."
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly
disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the
experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to
ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial
management as the major sphere of responsibility."
"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer
doe not know I am looking for another job."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."
"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."
"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."
"I'm a rabid typist."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain
operation."
