[2082] in Humor
pre-relationship agreement
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (LMCCOOPER@aol.com)
Wed May 21 12:26:09 1997
From: <LMCCOOPER@aol.com>
Date: Wed, 21 May 1997 12:16:04 -0400 (EDT)
To: humor@MIT.EDU, htcooper@princeton.edu, alexhi@microsoft.com
Cc: Nitro0RC@aol.com, hstuart@bite.db.uth.tmc.edu, Lhowey@aol.com
PRE-RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT
>> >------------------------------
>> >
>> >The party of the first part (herein referred to as she/her)
>> >being of sound mind and fairly good body, agrees to the
>> >following with the party of the second part (herein referred
>> >to as he/him)
>> >
>> >1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship
>> >(colloquially referred to as the first date or match up),
>> >each party agrees to fully disclose any current
>> >girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious
>> >beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political
>> >affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone
>> >else that have not yet been terminated. Further each party
>> >agrees to make known any deep-seated
>> >mother/father/brother/sister complexes and fanatical
>> >obsessions with pets, careers, or organized sports. Failure
>> >to make these disclosures will result in the immediate
>> >termination of said relationship before it has a chance to
>> >get anywhere.
>> >
>> >2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold
>> >the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred
>> >to as the "matchmaker") blameless in the event the "fix-up"
>> >turns out to be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch". (For
>> >definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean: My Story",
>> >available at most bookstores; George Hamilton at one of
>> >Imelda Marcos' parties; or any picture of Bob Guccione in
>> >Penthouse. For definition of "psycho bitch," see Sharon
>> >Stone in "Basic Instinct," or Glenn Close in "Fatal
>> >Attraction.")
>> >
>> >3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship
>> >proceed past the first "fix-up" both parties mutually agree
>> >to use the following terminology in describing their said
>> >"dating": For the first thirty (30) days both parties
>> >consent to say they are "going out". (This neither implies
>> >nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the
>> >first thirty (30) days said parties may say they are "seeing
>> >somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an
>> >item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the
>> >"first date" either member may elect to use the terms
>> >"girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances
>> >may refer to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances are
>> >the phrases "my better half," "the little woman," "the old
>> >ball and chain," or "my old man/lady" acceptable. Further,
>> >if both members of the party consent, this timetable may be
>> >accelerated; however, if either party "gets too serious" and
>> >disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the
>> >relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may
>> >once again be said to be "on the market."
>> >
>> >4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days both
>> >parties agree not to ask questions about the others
>> >whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday
>> >periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be
>> >made; both parties agree they have no "rights" or "holds" on
>> >the other's time. Following the first six weeks or
>> >forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing
>> >in action" without explanation, the "wounded party" agrees
>> >to "give up".
>> >
>> >5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days both
>> >members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the
>> >other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. A
>> >minimum of three (3) phone calls will be made between the
>> >two parties during the working day, and each party will
>> >attempt - with best efforts - to originate 50% of the phone
>> >calls. Additionally, for the first two weeks all dates
>> >will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance;
>> >there will be no "running off in the middle of the night to
>> >console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to
>> >strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their
>> >vocabulary. Further, during the first six (6) weeks each
>> >member of said relationship agrees to attempt at least one
>> >spontaneous "home cooked meal" and will arrange the delivery
>> >of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following
>> >the first forty-five (45) days both parties will return to
>> >their normal personalities .
>> >
>> >6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that - respective gross
>> >income aside - "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners,
>> >clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until:
>> >
>> > (a) He considers her suitably impressed,
>> > (b) we are broke, or
>> > (c) He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!".
>> >
>> >Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the
>> >bedroom, which are subject to the availability of
>> >discretionary funds on hand at the time.
>> >
>> >7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as the "Why do I
>> >bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said
>> >relationship progress to the point where the couple spends
>> >more then five nights a week together, every effort shall be
>> >made to split the time between their respective apartments.
>> >Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to
>> >silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates.
>> >Additionally, both will avoid having their mother call at
>> >7:30 in the morning. He agrees to "pick up after himself"
>> >while in residence at her apartment, including washing his
>> >whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household
>> >duties. (By the same token, she agrees to respect his right
>> >to keep his apartment "a mess".) (Especially since we tend
>> >to excel in this area!)
>> >
>> >8. THE 90 DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each
>> >member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in
>> >the euphoric use of phrases like "Let's move in together,"
>> >"Why don't we start a family?" and -- using archaic
>> >terminology -- "Let's get married." Additionally, each party
>> >agrees to love, cherish, honor, and defend the other party's
>> >right not to meet his parents.
>> >
>> >9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days both parties
>> >agree not to use the phrase "I love you." They may love
>> >plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular
>> >pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party
>> >to abide by this rule will result in the other party using
>> >the "G" word . . . "Gone."
>> >
>> >10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be
>> >grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of
>> >said relationship:
>> >
>> > (a) Excessive use of chatty French phrases;
>> > (b) Ending any argument with the sentence "My ex- used
>> >to do that same thing";
>> > (c) Suggesting - no matter how kindly - that the other
>> >member should seek "help";
>> > (d) ending any argument with the phrase "My analyst
>> >thinks you are..."
>> > and
>> > (e) complaining more than twice about the contents of
>> >the other party's refrigerator (or lack thereof) .
>> >
>> >11. DECLARATION OF STRENGTH: At the time of breakup each
>> >party reserves the right to make the other feel guilty by
>> >using one or all of the following phrases:
>> >
>> > (a) "You'll never find anybody better";
>> > (b) "Nobody could ever make you happy";
>> > (c) "I'll find somebody who can really appreciate me";
>> >and
>> > (d) "My analyst thinks you are . . ." (Psychosis to be
>> >filled in at the proper time.)
>> >
>> >12. MISCELLANEOUS:
>> > (a) Each party agrees to give the other at least five
>> >minutes' notice before terminating said relationship;
>> > (b) both parties agree to remain exclusive until such
>> >time as the relationship appears to be "on the rocks";
>> > (c) at the termination of said affair:
>> >
>> > (1) both parties agree to be mature and return
>> >compiled socks,sweatshirts, books, record albums, door keys,
>> >personal undergarments with all due haste through impartial
>> >intermediary;
>> > (2) each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two
>> >(72) hours before engaging in sex with any of the other's
>> >friends;
>> > (3) both parties agree to refrain from slandering
>> >the other for a period of at least seven days (bedroom
>> >performance included), and further consent to use one of the
>> >following nebulous terms in the description of the breakup:
>> > "The timing wasn't right";
>> > "He/She wanted more than I could give";
>> > "He/She was too involved in his/her career";
>> > "He/She decided to go back with his/her
>> > (a) girl/boyfriend;
>> > (b) last lover;
>> > (c) hometown;
>> > (d) therapist".
>> >
>> >13. ADDENDUM: After the initial breakup - no matter what -
>> >both parties agree to give the relationship "one more shot".
>
>e-mail address pdahmen@juno.com phone 512-342-0574 digital pager
>512-908-0614
>voice mail@work 512-835-6505 box#302Alpha address 1816577@pagemart.net
>
>
>
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From SKenyon@ems.jsc.nasa.gov Wed May 21 10:05:32 1997
