[2025] in Humor
HUMOR: 1997 Darwin Award
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Thu Apr 17 09:47:11 1997
From: <abennett@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 17 Apr 1997 09:42:26 EDT
I remember seeing a photo of this guy, or someone like him, but it was many
years ago...
-Drew
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Date: Thu, 17 Apr 97 08:37:35 EST
From: Kristin Gunst <gunst@MIT.EDU>
From my friend, the "Humor Mistress" at Xerox.
(It's actually in her job description.)
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>
>
>=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
> DARWIN AWARD WINNER FOR 1997 ANNOUNCED
>
>
>You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to
>the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing
>themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
>
>The 1995 winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which
>toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out
>of it.
>
>In 1996 the winner was an air force sergeant who attached a JATO unit
>to his car and crashed into a cliff several hundred feet above the
>roadbed.
>
>
>And now, the 1997 winner: Larry Waters of Los Angeles -- one of the few
>Darwin winners to survive his award-winning accomplishment. Larry's
>boyhood dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school, he
>joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor
>eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally discharged, he had to
>satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his backyard.
>
>One day, Larry, had a bright idea. He decided to fly. He went to the
>local Army-Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons and
>several tanks of helium. The weather balloons, when fully inflated,
>would measure more than four feet across.
>
>Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to his sturdy lawn
>chair. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the
>balloons with the helium. He climbed on for a test while it was still
>only a few feet above the ground.
>
>Satisfied it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and a six-pack
>of Miller Lite, loaded his pellet gun-- figuring he could pop a few
>balloons when it was time to descend-- and went back to the floating
>lawn chair.
>
>He tied himself in along with his pellet gun and provisions. Larry's
>plan was to lazily float up to a height of about 30 feet above his back
>yard after severing the anchor and in a few hours come back down.
>
>Things didn't quite work out that way.
>
>When he cut the cord anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didn't
>float lazily up to 30 or so feet. Instead he streaked into the LA sky
>as if shot from a cannon. He didn't level of at 30 feet, nor did he
>level off at 100 feet. After climbing and climbing, he leveled off at
>11,000 feet. At that height he couldn't risk shooting any of the
>balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really find himself in
>trouble. So he stayed there, drifting, cold and frightened, for more
>than 14 hours.
>
>Then he really got in trouble. He found himself drifting into the the
>primary approach corridor of Los Angeles International Airport. A
>United pilot first spotted Larry. He radioed the tower and described
>passing a guy in a lawn chair with a gun. Radar confirmed the
>existence of an object floating 11,000 feet above the airport. LAX
>emergency procedures swung into full alert and a helicopter was
>dispatched to investigate. LAX is right on the ocean. Night was
>falling and the offshore breeze began to flow. It carried Larry out to
>sea with the helicopter in hot pursuit. Several miles out, the
>helicopter caught up with Larry. Once the crew determined that Larry
>was not dangerous, they attempted to close in for a rescue but the
>draft from the blades would push Larry away whenever they neared.
>
>Finally, the helicopter ascended to a position several hundred feet
>above Larry and lowered a rescue line. Larry snagged the line and was
>hauled back to shore. The difficult maneuver was flawlessly executed by
>the helicopter crew. As soon as Larry was hauled to earth, he was
>arrested by waiting members of the LAPD for violating LAX airspace. As
>he was led away in handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the daring
>rescue asked why he had done it. Larry stopped,turned and replied
>nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around."
>
>Let's hear it for Larry Waters, the 1997 Darwin Award Winner.
>
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