[2002] in Humor
HUMOR: The personals, God bless 'em
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Mon Apr 7 09:39:37 1997
From: <abennett@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 07 Apr 1997 09:35:58 EDT
Date: Sun, 6 Apr 1997 23:55:44 -0700
From: Connie Kleinjans <connie@interserve.com>
From: janos@netcom.com (Janos_Gereben)
Married White Male Seeks Ideas
JON CARROLL
BELOVED READER Stephen Lawton has made me aware of a fine book called
``Professional Stool Sampler Looking for a Place to Sit: A Collection
of Personal Ads From Alternative Newspapers'' by Skippy Williams and
Zohre Crumpton, from Simon & Schuster.
The title is self-explanatory. Here are some sworn- to-be-true
examples:
``I am spitting kitty. Ftt Ftttttt. I am angry bear. Grrr. I am large
watermelon seed stuck in your nose. Zermmmmmmmm. I am small biting
spider in your underwear. Yub Yub Yub. No mimes.''
``Bitter, unsuccessful middle-aged loser wallowing in an unending sea
of inert, drooping loneliness looking for a 24-year-old needy
leech-like hanger-on to abuse with dull stories, tired sex and Herb
Alpert. Baby, you are my Tijuana Taxi.''
``Imp and angel. Disembodied head in jar, 24, seeks Pixie goddess to
fiddle while Rome burns. You bring marshmallows. No. I make joke. You
laugh? I like comebacks and confessions. Send photo of someone else.''
``There is a place in the jumbled sock drawer of my heart where you
match up all the pairs, throw out the ones with holes in them, and buy
me some of those neat dressy ones with the weird black and red
geometrical designs on them.''
``Mmmm Pez! Rabid Wonder Woman fan looking for someone in satin
tights, fighting for our rights and the old red, white 'n blue. You
look like Lynda Carter? Big plus. Know all the words to the theme
song? Marry me.''
``Small lumpy squid monkey seeks healthy woman with no identifying
scars, any age. Must have all limbs. Recommend appreciation of
high-pitched screeching noises. Must like being bored and lonely. Must
not touch the squids, EVER. No tongue.''
----- ----- -----
IN OTHER NEWS: Beloved reader Sarah Beach has made me aware of a fine
book called ``Sex & Zen and a Bullet in the Head,'' by Stefan Hammond
and Mike Wilkins, foreword by Jackie Chan.
As fans of the genre know, sometimes the subtitles in Hong Kong action
movies are a little . . . off. Or perhaps they are not; without
knowing the original dialogue, who can say for sure?
But they are fine examples of something, anyway. Here are some from
the book:
From ``Naked Killer'': ``Not any nuts will admit they are nuts!''
From ``Princess Madam'': ``We are nearly blown up in pieces. You
deserve that. It's because you're civil servants.''
From ``The Ultimate Vampire'': ``Suck the coffin mushroom now!''
From ``The Seventh Curse'': ``These are toes chopped down by
spacemen.''
From ``Reincarnation of Golden Lotus'': ``Today we're here to purge a
bourgeois slut who only cares for immoral sex and hedonism. She stole
a pair of basketball shoes from the Fatherland.''
NOT ONLY THAT: A recent column about deciphering one's own handwriting
in notes to oneself brought many nods of agreement (thank you, thank
you -- we're none of us crazy) and one important addition to the
syndrome: the free-floating telephone number.
You find, on a scrap of paper, a telephone number in your handwriting.
It has no other identification. Guiltily, you dial the number and see
if the voice is familiar, or if the speaker says something useful like
``Triple A Bail Bonds.''
It isn't, and he doesn't. You hang up. Now what?
Writer Sharon Fisher noted that reporters often have to cope with
illegible notes. One idea is to trace the lines with your fingers,
hoping that kinesthetic memory will supply the information. Works for
her, she says. Worth a try.
- -------------------------------------
Thursday, April 3, 1997 =85 Page E12
=A91997 San Francisco Chronicle
- ---------------------------------
Dear Tina: Why are there no music
reviews in the New Yorker?
- -- Signed, ex-subscriber-to-be
- ----------------------
Janos Gereben/SF
janos@netcom.com
