[1931] in Humor
HUMOR CLASSIC: Chocolate, sex and other non-PC stuff
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Tue Mar 4 10:59:01 1997
From: <abennett@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 04 Mar 1997 10:48:14 EST
Date: Tue, 04 Mar 1997 09:36:53 -0500
From: Joe Ziehler <ziehler@psicorp.com>
TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:
1. YOU CAN GET CHOCOLATE
2. "IF YOU LOVE ME YOU'LL SWALLOW THAT" HAS REAL MEANING
WITH CHOCOLATE
3. CHOCOLATE SATISFIES EVEN WHEN IT HAS GONE SOFT
4. YOU CAN SAFELY HAVE CHOCOLATE WHILE YOU ARE DRIVING.
5. YOU CAN MAKE CHOCOLATE LAST AS LONG AS YOU WANT IT TO.
6. YOU CAN HAVE CHOCOLATE EVEN IN FRONT OF YOUR MOTHER
7. IF YOU BITE THE NUTS TO HARD, THE CHOCOLATE WON'T MIND
8. TWO PEOPLE OF THE SAME SEX CAN HAVE CHOCOLATE WITHOUT
BEING CALLED NASTY NAMES.
9. THE WORD "COMMITMENT" DOESN'T SCARE OFF CHOCOLATE
10. YOU CAN HAVE CHOCOLATE ON TOP OF YOUR WORKBENCH/DESK
DURING WORKING HOURS WITHOUT UPSETTING YOUR WORK MATES.
11. YOU CAN ASK A STRANGER FOR CHOCOLATE WITHOUT GETTING
YOUR FACE SLAPPED.
12. YOU DON'T GET HAIRS IN YOUR MOUTH WITH CHOCOLATE
13. WITH CHOCOLATE, THERE IS NO NEED TO FAKE IT.
14. CHOCOLATE DOESN'T MAKE YOU PREGNANT
15. YOU CAN HAVE CHOCOLATE AT ANY TIME OF THE MONTH.
16. GOOD CHOCOLATE IS EASY TO FIND
17. YOU CAN HAVE AS MANY KINDS OF CHOCOLATE AS YOU CAN HANDLE
18. YOU ARE NEVER TOO YOUNG OR TOO OLD FOR CHOCOLATE
19. WHEN YOU HAVE CHOCOLATE, IT DOES NOT KEEP YOUR
NEIGHBORS AWAKE.
20. WITH CHOCOLATE, SIZE DOESN'T MATTER; IT'S ALWAYS GOOD.
>A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The
>man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman
>can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
>
>A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and
>wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe
>that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes
>yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman
>has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times
>you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your
>pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"
>
>The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a
>very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
>
>The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"
>
>The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
-------------
How would things be different if Microsoft moved it's headquarters to
Georgia or Alabama? Or anywhere in the South for that matter.
1.Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders
2.Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle
3.Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty
bag
4.Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right" or "Naw"
5.Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos
6.The "Recycle Bin" in Winders '95 would be an outhouse
7.Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk
redneck yelling "Freebird!"
8.Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders '95 theme song would be
Achy-Breaky Heart
9.PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt"
10.Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul
C++"
11.Winders 95 logo would incorporate Confederate Flag
12.Microsoft Word would be just that: one word
13.Instead of WWW servers, Microsoft would have KKK servers.
14.New Shutdown WAV: "Y'all come back now!"
15.Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"
16.Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
17.Microsoft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse
18.Four words: Daisy Dukes Screen Saver
19.Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire
20.Speadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars
in your front yard
21.Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator
22.Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates
