[1899] in Humor
HUMOR: News Tidbits
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Mon Feb 17 22:23:45 1997
From: <abennett@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 17 Feb 1997 22:14:08 EST
From: Espacionaute Spiff domine! <MATOSSIAN@aries.colorado.edu>
Date: Tue, 11 Feb 1997 13:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Forwarded-by: Joseph Harper <joeha@MICROSOFT.com>
Christchurch, New Zealand:
There's nothing unusual in a pizza-delivery company receiving an order
for six large pizzas - but for delivery to the Antarctic?
Eagle Boys Dial-a-Pizza in Christchurch took the call for the pizzas last
month, to be flown to New Zealand's Scott Base in the Antarctic.
While it is not normal practice for the company to deliver pizzas that
distance, it decided to send them as a goodwill gesture.
"These people based in Antarctica are potential customers to Eagle Boys
when they visit Christchurch during holiday leave from the Antarctic
base," a company spokeswoman said.
On the eve of the special delivery, the pizzas were cooked and packaged
for the eight-hour scheduled C-130 Hercules flight to the ice, with
special instructions for reheating for best results.
By the next afternoon, Scott Base was filled with the aroma of marinara,
napolitana, and capricciosa and the pizza-craving callers' dreams were
fulfilled.
The company is claiming the delivery as one of the longest in the
pizza-delivery business.
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San Francisco, California:
Jane Tollini is promising the hottest, raciest, X-rated sex tour in the
city - at the San Francisco Zoo.
She's an animal keeper who will take some 700 Peeping Toms on a tour of
the giraffe pen, where 8-month-old Spot negotiates a harem of older
females, and the bird cages, where the hornbills practice bondage.
"Animals practice the same sexual rituals we do, but with a twist,"
Tollini says. "We even have homosexual wallabies and lesbian penguins."
The 90-minute Sex Tour, which starts -- appropriately -- on Valentine's
Day and lasts for eight days, is restricted to "mature audiences only."
Among the highlights: penguins engaging in a month of foreplay, lions
procreating up to 50 times a day and koala bears that nearly maim each
other during 40 seconds of intercourse.
"Koalas are nasty little creatures that don't like each other very much,"
Tollini says. "It's a rolling, tumbling thing for them and you have to
almost kick them apart or they will kill each other."
Tollini warns her Peeping Toms that some portions of the tour are not
pretty to watch.
"Rhinoceros sex is the most violent," she says.
The hour-long act can leave the female with painful gashes. But this year,
the highlight is the product of one rough roll in the hay: a 60-pound baby
rhino born three weeks ago.
The Sex Tour got its start seven years ago during penguin mating season.
On Valentine's Day, Tollini put red paper hearts in the penguins' iceberg
pond, then put on Johnny Mathis to set the mood. The males gathered up
the hearts and brought them back to the mates' birthing dens.
As word of her sex tour grew, Tollini expanded the show. Now, she also
discusses birth control and hormonal implants, and teaches visitors the
different methods of copulation for predatory and prey animals.
"I can't tell you how much I want a cigarette after this tour," she says.
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Jerusalem, Israel:
Max Dadashvili was drinking coffee at an Israeli cafe when a would-be
suicide dropped in.
Dadashvili, 26, ended up in a hospital with a broken back. The 72-year-old
man who jumped on him from a balcony three stories above got up unscathed.
"I looked very carefully before I leapt to make sure I wouldn't fall on
somebody," Monday's Yedioth Ahronoth newspaper quoted the jumper as
telling police after the weekend incident in the atrium of a swank Tel
Aviv shopping and apartment complex.
Interviewed from his hospital bed, Dadashvili, in a neck brace, sounded
an ironic note.
"I have to lie here for six weeks, without moving," he said. "I am not
angry but I don't understand why it was my neck he had to jump on. What
rotten luck: nothing happens to a person who wants to die but I want to
live and I get whacked."
Police told the newspaper they are considering whether to file assault
charges against the jumper, who tried to flee the scene, only to be
stopped by stunned witnesses.
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Paris, France:
A suspected pedophile went on trial in a French court Monday, betrayed by
a burglar turned law enforcer.
Shocked by video recordings of child sex he found while ransacking the
home of Michel Chretien three years ago, the anonymous burglar mailed them
to the local police in the eastern town of Nancy.
Justice sources said Chretien, 48, had confessed and faced 10 years in
prison if convicted.
The burglar is still on the run.
